I actually *did* get a chance to write a little bit the day after my last post for this one.

Then things got busy and I can get too easily distracted.... wanna' go ride bikes?



Regardless of whether or not I actually want to post this thing where all eyes can see (and believe me, I've debated) -- it's here in all its glory. Only slightly editted, with a few places I get a little sidetracked...because that's just what I do. After this I can go off and give a recap of vacation and other fun things...


So:

I have to say that I love learning how other people view me some of the time.



I find the cattiness of girls can be amusing in retrospect looking at horrible situations. The vicious way that people can turn on one another at the drop of a hat after professing to be so close.
Luckily I've avoided many of those situations... I think.
I've had horrible friendships in my life. Everyone has.
I wonder sometimes what those people I was once close to now think of me. Do they think of me? What nasty things do they say?
... I really don't care unless they're running into people I know... but still. One can wonder about these things.


It's educational, and even if I'm a wimp when it comes to criticism, it's the only way you learn.
I think if you don't stop and try to look at yourself through other people's (at least through your friends) eyes every once in a while -- your self image can get ridiculously skewwed, and that encompasses the way you carry yourself, interact with people - everything.



One of the things that I think I've always known about myself is something we're going to keep lighthearted here by dubbing it 'hulk smash mode.'


I have a 'hulk smash mode'.
Or rather -- people say that it comes off as if I do -- often enough for most people to be aware of it. I pull off a very solid, "I will murder you with my eyes," look when I need to.
I very much refuse to take other people's crap in a variety of situations, can be very quick to judge/gauge situations/people, and if it's a bad day -- or just the right situation - and my reactions can be less than flattering.

Alot of the times I don't even know I'm doing it. People get miffed or tell me to calm down -- and what often runs through my head at that moment is, "I'm not even ANGRY yet - you think this is Angry?"
I'm not sure why people who *haven't* seen me get in a physical fight before, have that instinct not to go there with me.
I haven't gotten in an actual fistfight since the 4th grade.
I kicked the crap out of the class bully. Maybe that's where it started.
Scuffles in high school, sure - but only as a person who jumped in afterwards to help.

Maybe the looks I've perfected truly can instill the fear of god into the hearts of men.



... I've always seen myself as a bit of a big softee. I love puppies, and sunshine - and cry if a movie hits me just right.

I also dislike cocky bastards. Stupid people eventually make me want to throw heavy objects. And I usually visualize bitch-slapping extremely ignorant people after something extremely ignorant has left their lips.



Perhaps I'm bipolar.


Or maybe other people feel this way.

I know I've literally seen Red, twice in my life. Both occurences have happened within the last year. At this job. So I don't think I can put too much stock in that.

But I'm not quick to forgive and I do *not* forget.
I know other people see me as giving, loyal, fun, impulsive, silly...
Most of the time I see myself as these things too.

But other times I see myself... as those adjectives that line the bottom of my blog. I don't know that anyone has ever actually noticed or looked at those. They're there for a reason. I've felt those ways - I've felt judged those ways. They've been there since day one of my blog when I didn't even let people know I wrote here. Perhaps I link myself more consistently with those adjectives than the positive ones.

I just need to start... watching myself, I guess.



In a similar vein, I hate that I'm a person that needs consistent affirmation from the people I love.

Sad, but true. At least in most cases. There are some people in my life that I don't doubt. They're the people that at the end of the worst day ever, even if I don't talk to them, I know I can say, "Well at least they legitimately give a shit."

It's a very short list. As much as I don't care what other people think for most things - emotionally I absolutely need to feel *something*.


There's nothing worse than pure apathy to me.

Perhaps that's why I'm so expressive.

Um... And this next bit is about a... way I express myself? Shrug.

I've been talking with a local skydiver who is kickass. She's nearly three years younger and certified already to make solo jumps. We've been throwing numbers back and forth. I knew it would cost alot, but I never knew exactly what it might cost to get certified. It'd be under $2000. Which in the grand scheme of things... isn't a lot of money to me for something like this.... I guess it's because of how I spend my money. If it's worth it to me - it's worth it to me.

Getting a brand new car - not worth it to me yet.
I could... mostly afford it if I wanted to.
But I spent just $3000 on a car instead. I want a new car when I'll 'fit' the new car.
I'm saving money for this and that -- I think skydiving might get a savings plan.
Or I might open one of those credit cards you don't have to pay interest on for 15 months...
I whittled down a $2000 credit card bill from my time in Australia on a similar credit card in like...3 months while at La Salle.

They say you make great friends skydiving... but I still can't help but wish I knew someone else well enough who was also going to do it.
I don't think that'll hold me back - but the thought is there....