Winning involves no skill whatsoever. It doesn't even involve luck, as one might believe after years of winning at random game show nights at college. Nor does it require physical training and diligence. Nor the complete commitment to excellence found in many athletes, CEOs, or Shia LaBeouf. Winning requires only the slightest of motor skills, and the capability of still remembering your own Name, Telephone Number, Email, and Your Birthday. And if you're feeling sassy your Place of Business.
Free isn't anything that should be valued. It should be expected. Free should be offered to you over your cell line from a hungover yet attractive sounding waitress in the employ of the abysm from whence Free was spawned. Free should come in your inbox weekly announcing that it has arrived for you, to take advantage of it. Sexually. You really want to be taking advantage of free, because it's a cheap date, and is looking for you to actively participate. Hence its existence of actually being free. Free is something that as Americans, we are entitled to. In some way, shape, or form. Always.
Alcoholism isn't so much a disease, as it is a challenge to rope in as many of your friends as you physically able to join you in the melee. Alcoholism - is a video game marathon. A Super Smash Brothers of socially acceptable consumption on a large scale. It's better when a whole variety of characters are there with you for hours. When playing SSB for an entire weekend became commonly accepted as a legitimate way to spend your time as decreed by law-- Alcoholism snuck on as a rider. A classy rider, as long as you don't look too long or too hard. An intelligent rider, as long as you don't let him run his mouth off on politics too long. Alcoholism is a way of making yourself altogether more embraceable by society at large.
And so gentle readers, I am poised to never again enter the depths of Mad River unless thusly armed -- as A Winner, Freeloader, and ready to play the role of High Functioning Alcoholic for the evening.
