I have the bleach.
I have the help.
Leave it to me to fall for the hair color that is made by the brand Hot Topic decided to no longer carry, can't find at the hair supply place or anywhere else I can get it quickly....uggghh..

So Ebay is my friend. I'm hoping by some miracle the extra money I'm paying for shipping will make it arrive by Tuesday.
Which will make Tuesday evening quite interesting.
Sarah is currently in fear of my mother right now for being an accomplice.
I'll have to bring her a bottle of wine for afterwards...

When I wake up early in the morning
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream

For the past... four weeks?... I've been off. Completely out of touch with, well, myself, life, everything in general.
There were jokes about mono - but really I've been pretty numb.
I've felt exhausted without actually doing anything.
Bored, without trying to fix it.
Totally deprived of any kind of energy, to much of anything except function through my day.

Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time
Lying there and staring at the ceiling
Waiting for a sleepy feeling

I've always felt like I've been one to really enjoy the seasons of the year for their variety.
Summer for lazy hot days on the beach. Spring for rain, dirt and promise. Winter for hot cocoa, skiing and nature playing dress up with snow. And I think I like the blustery days of fall, colors changing, smelling snow on the horizon.

But now its two years out of three that I'm pretty sure I've been depressed during the same time period. Thankfully this time was shorter, I think. I'm not even sure if I know why I came out of it. I still have a bit of a cold hanging on. My car is a piece of crap. But I woke up this morning and I feel like I'm alive again.

Maybe my head doesn't like fall anymore. Spring is vital. Summer is intense. Winter is like a test of endurance that I love the hell out of even as my teeth chatter away.
Maybe I'm watching the colors change but my head is watching everything start dying.

Maybe its a sad change and I need to do something alive, and vital to get through it.

But I think I'm back.
It feels right.

Also -- it's ridiculous how you can weigh things when your head feels so heavy... but its been interesting to see how I've gauged relationships with folks. There are people I know I don't see every week -- not even every month. But I know we mutually would be happy if we could see each other more often. And there are other people who I don't see - miss like an idiot - and know where I fall on their tree.

Think about yourself as a person taking care of a tree that represents themselves. You might even have another person(s) as part of your trunk and root system right now. Family, significant other, bff. But your support systems are your branches.
You've got big sturdy branches that don't have lots of leaves on them, but their not going to die off anytime soon. You've got big sturdy branches that are in full bloom. You've got smaller branches that are blooming all over the place that maybe you didn't expect. You've got that whacky branch thats twisted and sprouts leaves backwards but it knows too much about you and you love it anyway - and then you've got that branch or two that are dying.
You don't want to cut them off -- because then the tree might look funny. It'll be noticeable. You still have those knots from almost branches and scars from lost branches in high school.
It might even hurt.
But you're sending energy to those branches that can't even remember how to spell 'photosynthesis' at this point. Those branches could've been bad from the beginning but you can't tell from the outside.
A tree like you can't handle the heart pangs of watching those branches slowly die -- snap in half and then crash to the ground (probably killing a squirrel or three on the way down.)
Can you?


Solution.
Get the chainsaw.
Because you're already a nut job.
(And if you're reading this, you're probably okay)


I think I'm dyeing my hair blue.
Also, I think I'm putting an end date on my job and coming up with a solution for this thing I call my life...

So yeah...