Read on for a jumble of things that may prove scatterbrained - it's more for my own benefit than anything else.

My taste in men has clearly changed through college without my really knowing it.

Perhaps I can use that as an excuse as to why I never went beyond concert hookups or close calls but I won't - because that's not where I'm headed with this.

I broke it off with Jim. Most people know this.

While working at Bates, I noticed a trend with the guys - a lot of them were volunteer firefighters, or worked with the police, etc.
And regardless of whether or not I found myself attracted to them, I felt a distinct admiration for them.

I think I'm tired of nerd chic.

I feel very Madonna right now. Reinventing myself, changing things I don't like about myself, inside and out.
The weight loss, the even shorter haircut, the job for the sake of seeing if theater is where I want to be.
It makes sense that my tastes would change too, right?
One of the things I hear most often from other folks is kudos about my being thoughtful, helpful, - many 'you didn't have to do that's - which I always absorb and feel validated by.
There are a lot of self-centered people in this world.
I'm not saying I'm not one of them. I know how much I feel for other people. But whether or not those feelings become tangible acts of my own appreciation towards them actually happens is another thing. It's there though.

I had a few people tell me I should hang on to what I have till I find something better.
While throwing away the near underwear model might have been a bad choice in their eyes, I simply had to do it.
I don't want to pretend, or end up hurting him, and constantly telling him to 'just shut up and look pretty' wasn't a route I was willing to take. He didn't get hints, he wasn't trainable, and despite Chris' recommendation that I enjoy creating my own monster, I wasn't up to it. Not for that one, though he could be very thoughtful.

There's a line between being thoughtful and giving though.
And when things stack up, its the giving that counts.

Do I want the type of guy who'd risk his life in saving someone else's every day?
The kind of selflessness that's so pure that it's inevitable that he'll be hurt, or killed?
Maybe that won't be what I'll end up with even for a little while, and I know having a 'type' is just a way to limit yourself, but I don't know... it's a place to start.

For now, I'm much happier just with myself.
My car died a little while back, and I've had to walk places - like home from the hair salon last week.

I just walked, listening to music by myself enjoying the brisk day and felt amazed that I was so content just to be.
I think I need to keep working with that before I worry too much about the fact that I'm single.

Hooroo settling, hello getting it just right.