So listen, um, Death?

You Suck.

You've either taken away family of friends, friends, or just plain family.
You waited late in the game to affect me this year, starting with Clancy in the summer.
Now I get to listen to everyone talk about Leslie like she's already dead...
The way you work though - she might as well be.
After nearly 2 weeks of hearing nothing from my grandma's sister, Aunt Ellen about how she was doing, just her dramatic bullshit that we've all heard before.
But hearing it from Allison - from her sister... really - its happening.
There's nothing worse than watch someone in their pain, knowing they're going to die, and be unable to offer comfort.
New Years has never been huge for me... but now you're making it much worse.....

Its hard to reflect on a year in this state.
I'm not one for trying to make lists or name names to define a year.
My brain can't fathom selecting things so tangibly to represent a year of my life.
It's going to come out scattered, and might not do it justice in the end.. but, here's hoping...
Little things and big things alike come to mind.

2006 - you were interesting, to say the least.
Thank you for things... and stuff... things that come to mind ---

• Drawing class with Dr. Williams, AND Figure scultping... art makes the rest of the world disappear.
• Coming back to school fairly easily -- or rather, delaying my 'feeling out of place' until this fall... I don't think I could've handled it then. I barely handled it as it was...
• Getting an awesome Masque kid in Kate - and seeing the love the new freshman could have for the group... awww.. late bloomers.
• Shakespeare - cast and crew were such a pleasure to work with.
  
• Summer Quizzo nights at Dark Horse.
• Oliver!, table dancing, and the subsequent poke war with Chris T. on facebook.
• Road trips of every kind.
• Getting to know the underclassmen better -- which lead to feeling back 'in' again, and making it worth it.
  
• Michael Borton!
  
• Having Nicole and Chris to 'talk' to with eye contact during POINT meetings.
• Getting to be a Zombie. Twice! And bonding/vomiting with Megan at Jess' party.
  
• Not feeling like a failure closing night of J&H after a successful run, and especially the rallying support of alumni and certain peers .
• Being able to laugh at the anger in other people... or realizing that people with shit for brains can't hurt you - not really.
  
• The moments Jaime and I had acting like the support system we were in Sydney -- or the, 'hey, this time last year we were in Tasmania', etc. moments....
• Realizing that Senoirs everywhere are all in the same boat as we ponder the rest of our lives... and thats okay.

The computer at home is being whacky again -- who knows if this post will even go through, or get lost somewhere ...
It doesn't matter that much though -- because here I am, and *I* know... that its a year later...
I'm back in the States. And I'm okay.




Hooroo, 2006.

Koko's Confection & Novelty "Worlds Largest Candy Necklace" + 9.5 oz. Starbucks Mint Frappucino + Bibliographical Essay + Sleep Deprived Senior + Early 90's music = A.D.D. Dance Party sliding on rejected thesis statements.

In less than 2 days I'll have one semester left...
I am surrounded by stacks of books, articles, and random papers...
1 Bibliographic Essay
1 Take home 2 essay quiz
1 in class ID quiz
1 Art History Final
These are the things that stand between me...
and the sweet bliss of too much alcohol that awaits me this weekend.

GO TEAM GO!


Hooroo handcramps...bring it, BITCH!

Times are a' changin'.
I think for the better.

Here's to an awesome night.
A very educational semester.
New friendships.
New dreams.

... now -- to the too little sleep!


Hooroo 'just settling'.... hello, just, 'making life your own' ...?

If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

How to do it:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc).
2. Put it on Shuffle.
3. Press Play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Be honest.

My life is a: Twisted Love Story?

OPENING CREDITS
Ben Folds – For All the Pretty People
(hmm… no lyrics, upbeat & pretty cool… so far so good)

WAKING UP
Aerosmith – Rag Doll (Live)
(Hah… I’m living in a movie, eh? Give it all you got until you’re put out of your misery?)

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Goo Goo Dolls – All Eyes On Me
(I’m oh so shy…)

FALLING IN LOVE
Vertical Horizon - Prayer for An Innocent Man
(Rescued by someone who understands me?)

FIGHT SONG
Vertical Horizon (again, shuffle, you say?) The Man Who Would Be Santa
("All I want for you to have- a life you love and live. Take from me all I have to give, because you are in my heart…")

BREAKING UP
Duran Duran – Hungry Like the Wolf
(“I’m on the Hunt I’m after you,” hungry like the wolf for a fight? Seek the other out to end it? kinda sassy)

PROM
Stone Temple Pilots – No Way Out
(So we did drugs & had sex while in the bathroom… then walked away.)

LIFE IS GOOD
The Beatles - Twist and Shout
(heck yeah!)

MENTAL BREAKDOWN
Aerosmith – Something’s Gotta Give
(“I just can’t take anymore, And I’m gonna break […] Does the noise in my head bother you?” haha, perfect!)

DRIVING
Weezer - Best Friend
(Probably driving and talking with Sarah about life – “You’re my best friend and I love you.”)

FLASHBACK
The Police – Don’t Stand So Close to Me
(Ohh… so our love was forbidden in the first place… holy shit! I was sleeping with a teacher!... no wonder we did it in the bathroom at prom… I shall call him Skeevy!)

GETTING BACK TOGETHER
Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
(Lets try it again… try everything – but slowly… so I can graduate. It just takes some time – because lets face it – little girl you’re in the middle of the ride. LOL, I love this.)

WEDDING
Beck - Black Tambourine
(Sweet! Lots of awesome camera angles while everybody’s on the floor.)

FINAL BATTLE
Queen - Killer Queen
(While vacationing in England… The Queen – she gets in my face…and since she’s “guaranteed to blow your mind….”)

DEATH SCENE
The Wedding Singer - Somebody Kill Me Please
(HAHAHA… Skeevy holding me as I die – “I’m on my knees pretty pretty please –someone kill me – I want to diiiiee – put a bullet in my heeead.” He can’t live without me, awww…)

FUNERAL SONG
Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
(hahahaha, even the artist fits… Skeevy’s inner chant – I will not cry I will not cry….)

END CREDITS
Aerosmith - Janie’s Got a Gun
(HAHAHA! … Skeevy back to work at school – the last thing you see is him making eye contact with Janie…he finds a new girl to love!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So my iTunes shuffle kinda sucks in that it plays the same artists -- but the outcome = Priceless.

This was also stolen from Sara Allen's myspace ;)

Quiet please, there's a lady on stage.

It kinda sorta just nailed me in the face that I'd never be in a show again - not really.
Through fall break I watched Pete's Dragon on a whim after finding it while cleaning our attic. And then there was Mary Martin's Peter Pan. Laughed so hard... felt old... remembered.
The Boy From Oz might not have been the 'best' musical by most people's standards... And Hugh Jackman might have had a lot to do with me liking it - but I adored the rest of the cast. They made the rest of it work, its fun, flashy old school Broadway. The giant chorus numbers, the dancing, the costumes - its a huge sort of show I would've loved to have been able to be a part of one more time - like Whorehouse.
That's why I think of it now, I guess... because it fits.

Conductor, turn the final page.

So - no more? Is that it?
I'll tech through Philadelphia Story for my own sanity. I can't survive a full show in the spring. It'll be the only show I've been around for and didn't try out... But a.) I don't think I could handle it, not to mention, b.) I doubt I'd get cast... I'm no twiggy Katherine Hepburn, that's for damn sure -- and dammit if I don't need some time for myself.
I feel like I lost everything I had from Australia...
I want to be able to fit going to the gym into my schedule - maybe join that women's soccer league with Jaime if its not restricted to local players... Not collapse after 12 hour work days, or work/rehearsal/homework catch-up. And I don't even need to go into the damper effect it seems to have on my social life...
But how do you walk away from something like this?

When it's over, you can all go home

I feel like theater brings out the worst in me.
Or maybe that's what Producer did to me, I'm not sure.
Theater makes me have no time, eat wrong, gain weight, lose sleep, lose track of friends, blow off grades, ignore impending real life, get cranky, snappy at people... the list goes on.
And yet I love it. Hah.
I am so screwed up.
Standing on a stage pretending to be anyone else but me is a wonderful feeling...
But the timing I feel, is perfect.
Just when I don't think I can keep 'doing this to myself' - it stops on its own for me.
Just slows down so I can get off.

But she lives on

And singing will still be there...
But when May comes along - no more going into the theater to be alone with Rodden and sing, checking for pitch as it plays catch with me off the back wall...
I don't truly have much to be so very proud of from my acting experience...
Having a voice that puts you as a stronger singer than most males gets you Judas in a free license Jesus Christ Superstar... But in a female dominated arena - with me still singing the male parts... heh, opportunities are few and far between.
I just now realize as well -- that I never got a chance to sing a real duet...
And for that I'm sad - because what an awesome collaboration they can become...
A friend to make through a song...
Because it's the people I've met, the friends I've made, the lessons I've learned.
And, well, I've learned letting go.
The people who will still be there, will be there.
And that stage will always be somewhere for me to sing my song...

On the stage alone.

So put your hands together, help her along,
All that's left of the singers, all that's left of the song.
Stand for the ovation,
And give her one last celebration.

Hooroo Spotlights and Specials.

Senioritis... A Haiku... With Muttering...


Senioritis. Shit!

It flows through veins... like plague... Crap!

I shall Fail! Die! FUCK!

Fin.

Why is it that I can waste so much motivitation and creativity on this and not homework.
Bah! I'm so ADD right now its pathetic. I can't focus on anything...


Hooroo GPA...
If I manage to salvage you...
I shall...
build three small churches...
out of pretzel logs...
and then eat them....
Amen.

I *so* started this particular obsession this semester, but without a blogger to post it on, and an AIM I don't even use half the time - here I shall throw the stalk-rating tool...

JUDGE ME!

Sleep doesn't have a place in my life. Teching does that to people. Tonight's an early night really...
Jekyll & Hyde is coming...

Hooroooooo Sanity.

I am Zombie hear me Roar.


















The Haunted House was a success -- and of course, getting to become something you've always feared and been fascinated by is nice...
Here's to hoping for less zombie nightmares now that I understand the other end of the bargain a bit better...
Heh, I made them scream. Minty bloody tastes awesome.
Inside-zombie-jokes with new friends is awesome.
-Tuuuuummmss.....
-D'you like... flesh? I've got this arm :::whack:::
-I'm bringin' scary back! Them other zombies don't know how to act...
-High Five! :::fake arm:::
-I'm the Velociraptor of zombies! :::gargle blood:::

And why did we all find that being zombies, strangely enough... was rather hot?


Hoorooooo Combat boots.

Alone


From childhood's hour
I have not been
As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.

From the same source
I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I lov'd, I loved alone.

Then---in my childhood
---in the dawn Of a most stormy life
---was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red
cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold---
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by---
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue...)

Of a demon in my view.

~*~*~

The first time I ever read Poe was on a cold day, just like today.
I still have that book - torn, frayed and abandoned by some older student.
I was young - and it felt ancient in my hands. I treasure it now as a relic.
I enjoyed his work from that time on -- yet nothing ever spoke to me as Alone could.
It reached out to that angsty adolescent, that fed something dark - but beautiful.
Maybe it was just the imagery, the colors and the emotions it could evoke - the inability to see anything but the morbid in everything. What a time to remember in my youth --- a self inflicted chip on my shoulders.

Experiencing that period that most teens go through at a younger age taught me alot more.
As dark as it is, its powerful sense of natural beauty still remains my favorite - and speaks to me on another level now - as personal an interpretation as it is.
Those landscapes pass me by as I read -- I want to see and experience them all -- the beauty and power of nature...
I want to travel the mountains.
Ford rivers on horseback.
Sleep under the stars and watch them flicker out of sight with my failing eyes as the sun rises.

But what fun is there... in doing that... when you're alone?

Hooroo Edgar Allan Poe... you still leave my senses reeling...

I wish we would be happy.

Not for world peace.
Just for this special little circle in my brain that's a chain of certain folks.
They deserve it.
Just Happiness.
Then we'd all at least be happy while the world exploded. Literally.
That's all.


Hooroo migraine, hello zombie nightmares.

Ohhhh... I'm talkin to mahhhseelf on mah HEADSET.
I'm typin' to mah blooowwwgggg oh mah HEADSET.
I'm... gettin' really borrrred on my HEADSET.

I wanna go get druuunnk on mah HEADSET.
I been workin' to damn long on mah HEADSET.

AH NEED ALCOHOLLLLLL!
AH NEED.... um.... AH NEED... uhh... MAH HEADSET!!

AH need to fly out of a PLANE on my HEADSET.
Like motherfuckin'snakesonaplane on a HEADSET.

I'm gonna start up this damn show on my HEADSET.

AH NEEEEEED ALCOHOOLLLL!!!

Oh blog... what have we done... we might have gone public.

Good thing we're well behaved, you and I.
'cept for that whole take over the world thing... but y'know. Can't be perfect.

===
My parents submitted a very sweet ad for the show...
The show in which I am forced to make my final exit by way of 'rolling'...
Sigh.
That's theater for you.
Whatev. I'm inappropriate, as always, with director defying stunts and inappropriate sexual comments with fellow seniors backstage.
That is rehearsal for you.
Wouldn't want it any different.
Well...maybe a little less CahhooOooOOoots and MURDER!!
He DOES make everyone else look good though...
===

The weekend brings Birthday celebrations, Crazy Christians, and Skydiving. Interesting to say the least.
I've not been to Sleepy Hollow since high school... the bonfire I'm looking forward to, if only for a little while.


Hooroo undisclosed location status...

Awkward post #3,421. Wow. Good on ya, asshole.

As I sit here listening to my oh-so-cool old school tracks like Bobby Darrin, or even Michael Buble...
Skydiving this weekend has a mark on it now. Like a price, that has nothing to do with money.
A younger friend of mine had to pull out, basically on penalty of death from his parents --- whom he's always been cool with --- until now.
"We're scared for what kind of friends you have there," they said, "The kind of people that would want to do that."

I say I'm crazy all the time.
When I got back from Oz and was jetlagged, and forced to drive a friend somewhere on like...2 hours of sleep I remember vividly shouting out the window, "It's okay! I'm out of my mind!" as I drove like so cautiously because I thought I'd drive down the wrong side of jughandle because I'd been going 'backwards' for 5 months.
Never really thought too much on what other people thought of me in that department.
Which in a way is good - at least in that respect I don't 'care what other people think.'
But now it has me wondering... do I seem that crazy?
I know I can't make a correlation out of skydiving = I'm a bad person.
But like -- skydiving = not quite there?

That risk that's there - which I seem to grasp, yet not feel shaken to my core over - should I feel that?
I don't know... skydiving to me was never about life or death... it was more important than that.
Or really... it was about life.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
All people who live, die. But, not all people who die have lived.
Life is either a daring adventure - Or nothing at all.
Only skydivers know why the birds sing...

But life is also about family. I told him as much. I feel as much.
And I created a battle for him that he suddenly has to fight on the homefront.
What kind of friend is that? I'm his big sister in the Masque for fuck's sake....
I advertised this calculated risk in his face.
And now his family ties suffer the consequence?
Demanding mother - fine, but like, that's still a Mom.
... Britney Barber said it best...
Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccck.

And here I thought it'd be something good for him - like personal growth and everything.
Not like questioning the status quo in the rule structure he goes by with his parents.
Everyone's parents are different.
I've screamed in my parents faces - I've cursed, I've cried, tried storming out of the house after arguements.
I couldn't tell you what our first 'fight' was... But I'm sure it was horrible.
Could I say - sure, fighting with your parents is inevitable.
Eventually you get to that point where you're not 'the child' anymore and they have to stop being 'the parent' in that controlling sense.
But... fuck. I don't even know.
Was it stupid to think that his parents would've said yes?
I know my mom still doesn't like the idea of my skydiving... Which is why I feel this way I guess.

I just feel guilty over it. Disappointed he can't have the experience.

So suddenly I'm in that position of -- that kid you don't want your kid hanging out with.
Hi, I'm a student leader... but, y'know, don't follow kids - it's a bad idea, cuz I'm fuckin' craaazzy Lenny.
I throw myself out of planes to get my kicks.
I never thought I was that person to parents... but what if I am?
Steal your children! Teach them bad table manners! Throw them from planes! Yargh!

I don't know what to feel about it now. I'm only slightly nervous about Sunday, but it's anticipation nervous more than anything else - not so much fear. The jump is freedom - its flying -- defying the the laws of gravity to which we're all slaves - freedom fighting - skydiving!
Not death. Not saying - you don't matter family, I can risk my life because I don't care about you.
This makes me happy and excited and full and alive.
The bravery I don't feel in my day to day life is somehow broadcast in a new light as someone who is willing to leap out of a plane.
Because I don't feel that I'm brave. Just a little bit crazy.
Now that part of me could be a bad thing... which isn't good...
Cuz its one of the few I embrace.


Sigh.
Can't do much right can I...
Besides throw myself out a plane...
Hah.
I am an asshole.

....
Oh Hooroo already.

Right now I don't think I'm even striving for happy.
I'd just appreciate consistency.
No more of this up and down bullshit. No more zigzagging.
I'll take a wiggly line at this rate.

I know alot of others are feeling the strain - but that doesn't serve as a comfort, since, well I'm not a believer of 'If I'm miserable then everyone has to be miserable with me!' I don't want to see them down too... Made me feel a little more sane though... or something.

Cruise control? Anyone?
Who am I kidding... no one reads this.
No one reads this on purpose. I made it that way.
... should that change?

I'm jumping out of a plane in just about a week. That's all that matters.
Nothing but the sweet bliss of looking over the world for that one moment... before rocketing towards it at 200 miles per hour. CoughRacecardriverbloodinthefamilyCoughCough.
... heh...
he made love like an eagle falling out of the sky - killed his sensei in a duel - And he never said why...

Oh brain.
I will never understand you.

Here's lookin' at you kid... Hooroo.

The words alone don't do it justice.
This song is me. In all my insecurities, faults, and assumptions...

Somebody Else ~ Bleu.

What if I was alright?
What if I wasn't wound so tight?
What if I had the balls to be bad?
Would you still look at me like that?
Would you be mad that I had held the old me back?

Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's ok to be just me

Maybe I was too much?
Maybe I'll take it down at notch?
Maybe I have the guts to go mad?
Maybe I'll mess me up real bad?
Maybe I'll make you wish you had the old me back...

Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's ok to be just me

What if I cant remember who I'm tryin to be?
Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's ok to be just me
Just me...

No need for Hooroo. Not really.

I worship the sun...

In all its hot and sticky glory, I worship it.
I could lay by the Delaware on the swing, in the semi-shade of the tree by the water...
the sound of the waves lapping at the shoreline...
the breeze waving through the leaves...
perfect windchimes faintly behind me up on the porch...
sunshine filtering down spreading an even warmth over my body...
one foot dragging in the cool grass...
It can't ever bump against the warmth of my puppy looking for a scratch again - as it has for 10 summers...
But Clancy's safe, he's warm too - buried in his blankie under the rich earth of the garden.
He's here too...
I think about him and my vision blurs, but I smile, as shift in the wind brings sunlight on my feet, almost as if he's there to nudge it himself.
Gary's brought some of the firewood down to chop it at the water's edge so we can talk about the bonfire tonight.
The crisp noise of his strikes is the only 'unnatural' sound to be heard.... but even that's natural.

I don't want to leave this. Not ever. How can people not have a River as their front yard?
I can't fathom it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Disney was amazing.
We were in the sun so much in the hot so much that we sweat so much (really, you see a pattern) that we drank so much water that when we sweat so much...we just would sweat water.
That's the best kind of hot... a clean sweat. (Unlike the crazy foreignors... No dancing!)
I'm mildly tan...
I'm relaxed....
I saw Eyore...

And I don't want to even think ab...
You know what?
I'm not going to worry about what this year is going to bring. Because I can't change it now.
I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.

Back to worshipping the sun...
'ello goldie my love...

Hooroo Gary's laptop.

I am SO tackling Eyore.

I'm going to FLORIDA!

17 hours... in a SEABRING, with two of the best people in the world...


And free Disney world.
For SEVEN DAYS.
We're staying in a hostel.
Then crashing at a friends house.
I haven't been to Florida in yeeeaarrs! ::bounce!::

Off to relive my childhood, and get some sun. :)

Hoorooooooo Philadelphia!

"How often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home..."

I used to feel like La Salle was home. Okay, make that I sometimes still do.
But now, moreoften than not, I've been wishing to go home. To go Homehome.
Maybe its because I'm spending summer here too...
I'm not sure.
Alot of things have changed, me being one of them. And I feel as if i need another one - something here has to give if I'm going to make it through Senior year without going crazy.
Just a little time away from all of it...
even if it isn't at home.

At home I used to sit by my window and look out over the storm as it caused the river to thrash like it was about to drown, the huge Oak in my front yard to bow towards the water under the pressure in the air... and the lightning illuminate the sky like a knife slashing through blue fabric. An eerie darkness descending over everything like the end of the world.
In other words... fucking awesome.

At Basil's - It just looks like the world is going to end because it deserves to. The clouds even look dirty somehow.


Sigh.
::Hooroo::

Listening to old school songs like "Mack the Knife," by Bobby Darrin, or anything Michael Buble covers gets me dancing in my chair, driver's seat, room, house, or even singing along too in a way I think most people might be surprised by. Come to think of it... I'm not sure that anyone has ever seen me cut loose like that except for maybe my Grandmother. I love mixing CDs or an iPod playlist and taking it to her house and just putting it on while we clean up or talk, or just enjoy the music.

I know it's bittersweet for her because it reminds her of my grandfather.... all they ever did was dance. And I mean that... My Grandmother danced so hard she wore the cartilage right out of her knees and had to get them both replaced in the early 80's. But all the way up into the disco era she was still dancing. She and my grandfather danced every morning before they went to work. Right there in the living room.
One thing I feel La Salle lacks are fun 1 credit courses that other schools offer to break up students studies - like Social Ballroom Dancing. People don't dance like they used to.

I know she loves and hates listening to music like that now because it reminds her of him. But she also loves that I enjoy it so much. And I feel the same way - I love it, it reminds me of him too - and I feel like it keeps him fresh in my memory... but I hate that hurt I see in her sometimes.
I'd love to find someone to dance with - even if it was just for fun. It's glamorous. Big band can make anyone feel classy. It's got this special kind of loud, brassy, alive sound that won't quit.
It makes me smile.

Hooroo dancing shoes...

When you are born you're afraid of the darkness
And then vou're afraid of the light
But I'm not afraid when I dance with my shadow
This time I'm gonna get it right...

----

I really miss bellydancing...
I don't know when I'll fit it back into my life.
But I hope it happens sooner rather than later...
It's free, it's challenging, it's comfortable, it's expressive, it's feeling alive in your own skin - just being you.
I'd trade alot to just walk into Dance Central once more in Sydney...

Hooroo. :

Harlan Glow
Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: March 13, 2006 9:51 pm


So I'm back from my week in Harlan, KY for Project Appalachia.

Let me just say it's totally affected my life.
I've never done a service project like this.
Heck, I don't think I've ever really done anything that would truly count as a real service projet.
But I totally just dedicated my Spring Break to getting up at 6:30 to go climb up onto the frame of a house and slap a roof on it - shingles and all
And I loved it.

There was something about being on the roof.
I called my parents at one point and told them that if I couldn't land a job or get into grad school I would totally just go off and be a roofer.
Because I'm good at it.
And I haven't been this satisfied with a task in a very long while.
There's something about finishing a long day's work and actually seeing your progress. It's tangible. It's not some stupid paper you write for class, slaving over it - yet not really trying -- and just get a letter for it to go on some piece of paper that says you can get a 'degree' - really, whatever that means.

I wasn't afraid of the roof's edge -- I was so proud of my new friends who confessed they were actually afraid of heights but were still there working with me -- because it wasn't a big deal for me to be that high.
I think falling out of a plane at 12,000 feet does that to you, y'know?

I woke up yesterday and found it odd that I didnt' have to wait in line for a good 20 minutes to get into the bathroom.

There were singalongs - my van was priceless - its passengers I wouldn't have changed for the world. There was the campfire. The waterfall. I went in. And I was free.

The hike to it made me miss hiking so much. I need a trip to Hawk Mountain at the very least - soon.

Much more on my mind at the moment, but there's too much going on.

I'm just thankful for coming home with more 40 friends who are too amazing for words.

And keep thinking of clear days on the roof...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All the World's A Stage
Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: April 23, 2006 6:24 pm

Weeks have come and gone -- and today was the last performance of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare [Abridged].
It all went by so fast - I feel like our first rehearsal was only a few days ago - but it's already over - the fantastic five we are - we're done.

Talk about a great cast experience. Everything was just so lighthearted and happy. Considering when put all together we had the mindset of a five year old on speed, the times were very good.
The show itself was a hoot - and definitely the most physically demanding I've ever done.
Oh for the love of the stage - one mild concussion later. I'm still alive... Mostly. (Oh Polonius, your death throws art painful...)
I probably had way too much fun throwing this show together - but all in all, I think it was really called for, considering how much of my time it ate up, how it made getting my work done so much more difficult, etc.
But it was definitely worth it.

Not gonna lie though - today was the last show the Seniors had to be involved - and it hurt. For our Green Room pre-show 'traditions' I guess you'd call them, I totally almost burst into tears. I'm so close to the graduating class - they've been my roommates, and closest friends for most of my time here. It won't be the same without them (not that it's ever the same any year here.)
I have high hopes for next year as far as most things go. I'm excited for E-board, I can't wait to work with them... Our shows sound fun... Everybody's living in the townhouses - and my Seniors are staying local.


I have one week of classes left - and then finals.
After that - my responsibilities shall dwindle - if only for a short while.
There'll be Senior Week techie madness, and cleanout fun.
Then I get to have fun with the Archdiocesan Boys Choir in a production of Oliver! because life's just funny that way.
I get to sing and dance my little heart out as Nancy 3 nights in a row because of a random encounter on campus.
Living in Basil's over the summer so I can work here shall be interesting to say the least.

And I do turn 21 in just under a month...

I just kinda died for you...
Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: February 9, 2006 1:18 pm


So I'm back in the swing of things...
However, this is not necessarily good.

Housing for next year's up in the air. Damn me and my hanging out with the tribal elders. Actually, I don't care, t'was absolutely worth it. Now its just some juggling and not wanting to offend people by whatever choice I make.

It's all about politics.

Instead of going someplace sunny and relaxing for Spring Break and trying to wind down from the chaos - I'll be in Harlan, Kentucky on Project Appalachia working with some friends like a chain gang to build homes, dig ditches, and lord knows what else.

It's gotten to the point where reminders of Sydney only make me sad.
There's no other way to describe it.
It hurts.
I wish I could find that happy medium.

My brain kinda sucks at that.
I guess most people have the same problem.
But you know how it is... when things are bad, it seems like other people wouldn't understand -- but it's out there, I'm well aware.
I don't really know what needs to happen in order to find that middle ground...
Actually, I think I do -- but it's not something I can 'fix'.
Life doesn't work like that.
And daydreaming that I'm elsewhere, or something else entirely doesn't work anymore...

So we'll see...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Heart Tinges... What Life Is Made Of

Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: February 19, 2006 11:45 pm

I just tried putting a picture from Sydney up as my desktop background
the little picture of it looked nice, and I thought it would be a good change.

Then it was huge all of a sudden in front of my face.

And I felt that pain you get in your chest, the one you get when you said something and regret it instantly because it hurt someone's feelings, or that nervousness that swells in your throat when you worry for someone, when something happens to a person you love -- or when they walk away.

It's never happened to me over a place I don't think.
Never till now.

And it was just a picture of the Three Sisters rock formation from out in Katoomba at Echo Point.
It's also just probably the most beautiful natural scene I have from Australia, or at least New South Wales...

I'd post it but you might laugh.
I'd post it but it wouldn't do it justice...
I can't do it justice, trying to describe how different it felt to be under that sky.
To see the Kanimbla Valley and the Kings Tableland beyond and want to cry because its' just so...


My heart tinged...
And I had to pick another image to look at every morning.
Because my heart wouldn't be able to take that feeling.

This weekend was wonderful. And I'm almost ashamed of myself it let it end on this note... but it keeps coming back.
Will I ever be able to look back without that hurt?

Heart tinges for me always seem to accompany regrets and mistakes in my life -- usually in hindsight of a situation. When I regret an action. When I regret having trusted in a friendship (one in particular that bothers me slightly, to this day).
When I wish I hadn't said something.
When I wish I had said something...


But this. This is completely different.
What can I do to feel... right... again? Or for the first time?
I don't really know which it'd be...


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Glavin!

Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: March 6, 2006 4:30 pm

So I haven't really had time since my last post to even HAVE that awful deep seated feeling in my chest, let alone think of a solution.

Lots of things have happened in the span of just over a week.

We had E-Board elections for next year's lineup.
I'd had fears of even being reelected for the position (VP Business) I've held for the past 2 years.
And I went and won Producer/President.
The responsibilities of the position hit me about 10 minutes after I won, and have been building up since then.
I walked around with a dumb grin on my face the rest of the day and was greeted with 'Hey Prez' and well wishes all over campus...
That's right --- Reaffirm your love for me! NOW!

We had auditions for our spring show The Complete Works of William Shakespeare [Abridged] - a hysterical comedy where the actors basically just freak out all over the stage in trying to act out all of Shakespeare's shows in an hour & a half. The cast is 5 people, bumped up from the 3 it calls for - 3 guys, 2 girls.
I got cast.
Granted, there are girls who probably would've got in over me but didn't try out because of time restrictions, or just not wanting to do it...
But I love the show... and well, free time seems to only be a good thing for me when I never have it.

I aced a test in Peace & Social Justice that half the class kinda bombed.
That totally got a victory dance.

We leave for Appalachia in 2 days. I've managed not to catch the flu from friends who seem to be carrying it around like the plague.
My almost hypochondriac tendencies haven't gone completely haywire and it seems I'm still in one piece.
I can dig ditches and shingle roofs in good health.
I'm looking forward to the 'Appalachia Glow' - and lots of Wal-Mart runs.

And I didn't get arrested when the cops busted our cast party last Saturday.

Go team.

-------

I've also narrowed down the fact that the headaches I seem to get every day at least twice are because - I need my eyes checked again.

I've reached the point where I can't see anything that's not a hand's span away from my face. I've got my little joke about getting a seeing eye dog the next time I go to the doctor's... but it actually is kind of freaking me out.
When will my eyes stop getting worse?
It's suposed to step when you stop growing. I'm not getting any taller. I think I'm pretty set... so what gives? My eyes have been deteriorating since I was in the 2nd grade!
I can't get that eye surgery till it stops.
Please don't let me go blind.
That would be quite fitting, I'm sure, but c'mon.
That ain't cool.

-------

So, hoping that I'm not going officially blind, keeping afloat in a Sea of not enough time to do everything I'm suposed to, and in general not having enough energy to dwell on things that did or probably should bother me.

That's healthy right?
Or at least healthy enough for the moment.
...or as healthy as most people are these days.

:::wanders into open room and jumps onto soap box:::

I turned 21 four days ago.
It hurt less than 20, which is basically good.

I've been thinking of jump starting the whole 'writing down my thoughts' thing again, if only because it's good for getting stuff out and working on not avoiding things. Cuz I'm good at that.

Five months away from my own little corner of the world made me see alot of what I don't like about myself - stuff I want to work on, or wish I could change. Coming home and sticking to it has been an uphill battle most of the way, but it's getting better.
I also realized things I like about myself... which sometimes also act as things I don't like at the very same time.

If this turns into a place where all I do is whinge about crap, it'll go away, I promise myself that.
Despite my usual adherance to the avoidance theory, I've always played it fairy dinkum... Fairy dinkum I plan to remain. Hopefully when I write it's going to be to work things out, find what lies beneath, or try to comprehend something I just don't get...
And hopefully it'll last...

Admitting things to myself is usually fairly easy.
Actually then keeping that in mind or taking note of it is the hard part.

I don't think a day has gone by since I've been home where I haven't thought about either Australia or New Zealand...
And it usually hurts.
I've tucked away photographs purposely, avoid any real conversation topics beyond fun quirk differences or the wonders of Nutella. And I don't wanna do that anymore.
I want to be proud of the postcard collection, and hunt down posters of the landscapes I adore.
Because I've come to realize one key thing.

I'm going to go back.
Probably not for a few years at least... I doubt I'll ever live there again...
Let's put it this way - some families save up to do Disney World trips and try to do it once a year.
Who knows...maybe I'll be able to afford it in that sense one day.
But I'll get back.

Heck, just typing that out feels good.
I will see you again.
:::jumps off soap box:::

No need for hooroo...