When you are born you're afraid of the darkness
And then vou're afraid of the light
But I'm not afraid when I dance with my shadow
This time I'm gonna get it right...

----

I really miss bellydancing...
I don't know when I'll fit it back into my life.
But I hope it happens sooner rather than later...
It's free, it's challenging, it's comfortable, it's expressive, it's feeling alive in your own skin - just being you.
I'd trade alot to just walk into Dance Central once more in Sydney...

Hooroo. :

Harlan Glow
Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: March 13, 2006 9:51 pm


So I'm back from my week in Harlan, KY for Project Appalachia.

Let me just say it's totally affected my life.
I've never done a service project like this.
Heck, I don't think I've ever really done anything that would truly count as a real service projet.
But I totally just dedicated my Spring Break to getting up at 6:30 to go climb up onto the frame of a house and slap a roof on it - shingles and all
And I loved it.

There was something about being on the roof.
I called my parents at one point and told them that if I couldn't land a job or get into grad school I would totally just go off and be a roofer.
Because I'm good at it.
And I haven't been this satisfied with a task in a very long while.
There's something about finishing a long day's work and actually seeing your progress. It's tangible. It's not some stupid paper you write for class, slaving over it - yet not really trying -- and just get a letter for it to go on some piece of paper that says you can get a 'degree' - really, whatever that means.

I wasn't afraid of the roof's edge -- I was so proud of my new friends who confessed they were actually afraid of heights but were still there working with me -- because it wasn't a big deal for me to be that high.
I think falling out of a plane at 12,000 feet does that to you, y'know?

I woke up yesterday and found it odd that I didnt' have to wait in line for a good 20 minutes to get into the bathroom.

There were singalongs - my van was priceless - its passengers I wouldn't have changed for the world. There was the campfire. The waterfall. I went in. And I was free.

The hike to it made me miss hiking so much. I need a trip to Hawk Mountain at the very least - soon.

Much more on my mind at the moment, but there's too much going on.

I'm just thankful for coming home with more 40 friends who are too amazing for words.

And keep thinking of clear days on the roof...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All the World's A Stage
Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: April 23, 2006 6:24 pm

Weeks have come and gone -- and today was the last performance of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare [Abridged].
It all went by so fast - I feel like our first rehearsal was only a few days ago - but it's already over - the fantastic five we are - we're done.

Talk about a great cast experience. Everything was just so lighthearted and happy. Considering when put all together we had the mindset of a five year old on speed, the times were very good.
The show itself was a hoot - and definitely the most physically demanding I've ever done.
Oh for the love of the stage - one mild concussion later. I'm still alive... Mostly. (Oh Polonius, your death throws art painful...)
I probably had way too much fun throwing this show together - but all in all, I think it was really called for, considering how much of my time it ate up, how it made getting my work done so much more difficult, etc.
But it was definitely worth it.

Not gonna lie though - today was the last show the Seniors had to be involved - and it hurt. For our Green Room pre-show 'traditions' I guess you'd call them, I totally almost burst into tears. I'm so close to the graduating class - they've been my roommates, and closest friends for most of my time here. It won't be the same without them (not that it's ever the same any year here.)
I have high hopes for next year as far as most things go. I'm excited for E-board, I can't wait to work with them... Our shows sound fun... Everybody's living in the townhouses - and my Seniors are staying local.


I have one week of classes left - and then finals.
After that - my responsibilities shall dwindle - if only for a short while.
There'll be Senior Week techie madness, and cleanout fun.
Then I get to have fun with the Archdiocesan Boys Choir in a production of Oliver! because life's just funny that way.
I get to sing and dance my little heart out as Nancy 3 nights in a row because of a random encounter on campus.
Living in Basil's over the summer so I can work here shall be interesting to say the least.

And I do turn 21 in just under a month...

I just kinda died for you...
Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: February 9, 2006 1:18 pm


So I'm back in the swing of things...
However, this is not necessarily good.

Housing for next year's up in the air. Damn me and my hanging out with the tribal elders. Actually, I don't care, t'was absolutely worth it. Now its just some juggling and not wanting to offend people by whatever choice I make.

It's all about politics.

Instead of going someplace sunny and relaxing for Spring Break and trying to wind down from the chaos - I'll be in Harlan, Kentucky on Project Appalachia working with some friends like a chain gang to build homes, dig ditches, and lord knows what else.

It's gotten to the point where reminders of Sydney only make me sad.
There's no other way to describe it.
It hurts.
I wish I could find that happy medium.

My brain kinda sucks at that.
I guess most people have the same problem.
But you know how it is... when things are bad, it seems like other people wouldn't understand -- but it's out there, I'm well aware.
I don't really know what needs to happen in order to find that middle ground...
Actually, I think I do -- but it's not something I can 'fix'.
Life doesn't work like that.
And daydreaming that I'm elsewhere, or something else entirely doesn't work anymore...

So we'll see...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Heart Tinges... What Life Is Made Of

Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: February 19, 2006 11:45 pm

I just tried putting a picture from Sydney up as my desktop background
the little picture of it looked nice, and I thought it would be a good change.

Then it was huge all of a sudden in front of my face.

And I felt that pain you get in your chest, the one you get when you said something and regret it instantly because it hurt someone's feelings, or that nervousness that swells in your throat when you worry for someone, when something happens to a person you love -- or when they walk away.

It's never happened to me over a place I don't think.
Never till now.

And it was just a picture of the Three Sisters rock formation from out in Katoomba at Echo Point.
It's also just probably the most beautiful natural scene I have from Australia, or at least New South Wales...

I'd post it but you might laugh.
I'd post it but it wouldn't do it justice...
I can't do it justice, trying to describe how different it felt to be under that sky.
To see the Kanimbla Valley and the Kings Tableland beyond and want to cry because its' just so...


My heart tinged...
And I had to pick another image to look at every morning.
Because my heart wouldn't be able to take that feeling.

This weekend was wonderful. And I'm almost ashamed of myself it let it end on this note... but it keeps coming back.
Will I ever be able to look back without that hurt?

Heart tinges for me always seem to accompany regrets and mistakes in my life -- usually in hindsight of a situation. When I regret an action. When I regret having trusted in a friendship (one in particular that bothers me slightly, to this day).
When I wish I hadn't said something.
When I wish I had said something...


But this. This is completely different.
What can I do to feel... right... again? Or for the first time?
I don't really know which it'd be...


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Glavin!

Backlogged Post from Deleted Myspace Account
Original Date: March 6, 2006 4:30 pm

So I haven't really had time since my last post to even HAVE that awful deep seated feeling in my chest, let alone think of a solution.

Lots of things have happened in the span of just over a week.

We had E-Board elections for next year's lineup.
I'd had fears of even being reelected for the position (VP Business) I've held for the past 2 years.
And I went and won Producer/President.
The responsibilities of the position hit me about 10 minutes after I won, and have been building up since then.
I walked around with a dumb grin on my face the rest of the day and was greeted with 'Hey Prez' and well wishes all over campus...
That's right --- Reaffirm your love for me! NOW!

We had auditions for our spring show The Complete Works of William Shakespeare [Abridged] - a hysterical comedy where the actors basically just freak out all over the stage in trying to act out all of Shakespeare's shows in an hour & a half. The cast is 5 people, bumped up from the 3 it calls for - 3 guys, 2 girls.
I got cast.
Granted, there are girls who probably would've got in over me but didn't try out because of time restrictions, or just not wanting to do it...
But I love the show... and well, free time seems to only be a good thing for me when I never have it.

I aced a test in Peace & Social Justice that half the class kinda bombed.
That totally got a victory dance.

We leave for Appalachia in 2 days. I've managed not to catch the flu from friends who seem to be carrying it around like the plague.
My almost hypochondriac tendencies haven't gone completely haywire and it seems I'm still in one piece.
I can dig ditches and shingle roofs in good health.
I'm looking forward to the 'Appalachia Glow' - and lots of Wal-Mart runs.

And I didn't get arrested when the cops busted our cast party last Saturday.

Go team.

-------

I've also narrowed down the fact that the headaches I seem to get every day at least twice are because - I need my eyes checked again.

I've reached the point where I can't see anything that's not a hand's span away from my face. I've got my little joke about getting a seeing eye dog the next time I go to the doctor's... but it actually is kind of freaking me out.
When will my eyes stop getting worse?
It's suposed to step when you stop growing. I'm not getting any taller. I think I'm pretty set... so what gives? My eyes have been deteriorating since I was in the 2nd grade!
I can't get that eye surgery till it stops.
Please don't let me go blind.
That would be quite fitting, I'm sure, but c'mon.
That ain't cool.

-------

So, hoping that I'm not going officially blind, keeping afloat in a Sea of not enough time to do everything I'm suposed to, and in general not having enough energy to dwell on things that did or probably should bother me.

That's healthy right?
Or at least healthy enough for the moment.
...or as healthy as most people are these days.

:::wanders into open room and jumps onto soap box:::

I turned 21 four days ago.
It hurt less than 20, which is basically good.

I've been thinking of jump starting the whole 'writing down my thoughts' thing again, if only because it's good for getting stuff out and working on not avoiding things. Cuz I'm good at that.

Five months away from my own little corner of the world made me see alot of what I don't like about myself - stuff I want to work on, or wish I could change. Coming home and sticking to it has been an uphill battle most of the way, but it's getting better.
I also realized things I like about myself... which sometimes also act as things I don't like at the very same time.

If this turns into a place where all I do is whinge about crap, it'll go away, I promise myself that.
Despite my usual adherance to the avoidance theory, I've always played it fairy dinkum... Fairy dinkum I plan to remain. Hopefully when I write it's going to be to work things out, find what lies beneath, or try to comprehend something I just don't get...
And hopefully it'll last...

Admitting things to myself is usually fairly easy.
Actually then keeping that in mind or taking note of it is the hard part.

I don't think a day has gone by since I've been home where I haven't thought about either Australia or New Zealand...
And it usually hurts.
I've tucked away photographs purposely, avoid any real conversation topics beyond fun quirk differences or the wonders of Nutella. And I don't wanna do that anymore.
I want to be proud of the postcard collection, and hunt down posters of the landscapes I adore.
Because I've come to realize one key thing.

I'm going to go back.
Probably not for a few years at least... I doubt I'll ever live there again...
Let's put it this way - some families save up to do Disney World trips and try to do it once a year.
Who knows...maybe I'll be able to afford it in that sense one day.
But I'll get back.

Heck, just typing that out feels good.
I will see you again.
:::jumps off soap box:::

No need for hooroo...