Awkward post #3,421. Wow. Good on ya, asshole.

As I sit here listening to my oh-so-cool old school tracks like Bobby Darrin, or even Michael Buble...
Skydiving this weekend has a mark on it now. Like a price, that has nothing to do with money.
A younger friend of mine had to pull out, basically on penalty of death from his parents --- whom he's always been cool with --- until now.
"We're scared for what kind of friends you have there," they said, "The kind of people that would want to do that."

I say I'm crazy all the time.
When I got back from Oz and was jetlagged, and forced to drive a friend somewhere on like...2 hours of sleep I remember vividly shouting out the window, "It's okay! I'm out of my mind!" as I drove like so cautiously because I thought I'd drive down the wrong side of jughandle because I'd been going 'backwards' for 5 months.
Never really thought too much on what other people thought of me in that department.
Which in a way is good - at least in that respect I don't 'care what other people think.'
But now it has me wondering... do I seem that crazy?
I know I can't make a correlation out of skydiving = I'm a bad person.
But like -- skydiving = not quite there?

That risk that's there - which I seem to grasp, yet not feel shaken to my core over - should I feel that?
I don't know... skydiving to me was never about life or death... it was more important than that.
Or really... it was about life.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
All people who live, die. But, not all people who die have lived.
Life is either a daring adventure - Or nothing at all.
Only skydivers know why the birds sing...

But life is also about family. I told him as much. I feel as much.
And I created a battle for him that he suddenly has to fight on the homefront.
What kind of friend is that? I'm his big sister in the Masque for fuck's sake....
I advertised this calculated risk in his face.
And now his family ties suffer the consequence?
Demanding mother - fine, but like, that's still a Mom.
... Britney Barber said it best...
Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccck.

And here I thought it'd be something good for him - like personal growth and everything.
Not like questioning the status quo in the rule structure he goes by with his parents.
Everyone's parents are different.
I've screamed in my parents faces - I've cursed, I've cried, tried storming out of the house after arguements.
I couldn't tell you what our first 'fight' was... But I'm sure it was horrible.
Could I say - sure, fighting with your parents is inevitable.
Eventually you get to that point where you're not 'the child' anymore and they have to stop being 'the parent' in that controlling sense.
But... fuck. I don't even know.
Was it stupid to think that his parents would've said yes?
I know my mom still doesn't like the idea of my skydiving... Which is why I feel this way I guess.

I just feel guilty over it. Disappointed he can't have the experience.

So suddenly I'm in that position of -- that kid you don't want your kid hanging out with.
Hi, I'm a student leader... but, y'know, don't follow kids - it's a bad idea, cuz I'm fuckin' craaazzy Lenny.
I throw myself out of planes to get my kicks.
I never thought I was that person to parents... but what if I am?
Steal your children! Teach them bad table manners! Throw them from planes! Yargh!

I don't know what to feel about it now. I'm only slightly nervous about Sunday, but it's anticipation nervous more than anything else - not so much fear. The jump is freedom - its flying -- defying the the laws of gravity to which we're all slaves - freedom fighting - skydiving!
Not death. Not saying - you don't matter family, I can risk my life because I don't care about you.
This makes me happy and excited and full and alive.
The bravery I don't feel in my day to day life is somehow broadcast in a new light as someone who is willing to leap out of a plane.
Because I don't feel that I'm brave. Just a little bit crazy.
Now that part of me could be a bad thing... which isn't good...
Cuz its one of the few I embrace.


Sigh.
Can't do much right can I...
Besides throw myself out a plane...
Hah.
I am an asshole.

....
Oh Hooroo already.