Happy Hours at Mad River are starting to redefine how I view the concepts of 'Winning', 'Free', and 'Alcoholism'. Their traditional definitions in my life have been permanently skewed.

Winning involves no skill whatsoever. It doesn't even involve luck, as one might believe after years of winning at random game show nights at college. Nor does it require physical training and diligence. Nor the complete commitment to excellence found in many athletes, CEOs, or Shia LaBeouf. Winning requires only the slightest of motor skills, and the capability of still remembering your own Name, Telephone Number,  Email, and Your Birthday. And if you're feeling sassy your Place of Business.

Free isn't anything that should be valued. It should be expected. Free should be offered to you over your cell line from a hungover yet attractive sounding waitress in the employ of the abysm from whence Free was spawned. Free should come in your inbox weekly announcing that it has arrived for you, to take advantage of it. Sexually. You really want to be taking advantage of free, because it's a cheap date, and is looking for you to actively participate. Hence its existence of actually being free. Free is something that as Americans, we are entitled to. In some way, shape, or form. Always.

Alcoholism isn't so much a disease, as it is a challenge to rope in as many of your friends as you physically able to join you in the melee. Alcoholism - is a video game marathon. A Super Smash Brothers of socially acceptable consumption on a large scale. It's better when a whole variety of characters are there with you for hours. When playing SSB for an entire weekend became commonly accepted as a legitimate way to spend your time as decreed by law-- Alcoholism snuck on as a rider. A classy rider, as long as you don't look too long or too hard. An intelligent rider, as long as you don't let him run his mouth off on politics too long. Alcoholism is a way of making yourself altogether more embraceable by society at large.

And so gentle readers, I am poised to never again enter the depths of Mad River unless thusly armed -- as A Winner, Freeloader, and ready to play the role of High Functioning Alcoholic for the evening.

So I got to go to NY one more time with my mother last week -- and lo and behold we nabbed seats dead center (from every direction) in the mezzanine to see Patti LuPone in Gyspy.
Ever since Evita I've really known and enjoyed her -- but ever since the Broadway Revival of Sweeney Todd, well, she's been my homegirl.

That being said - the production is as brilliant as they say. It's completely worthy of the Tonys it won, everything about it - and Patti LuPone is just spellbinding.

Mom and I trekked off our usual beaten path and headed West of all the hullabaloo of Fashion Ave and ate for $15.00 total at a delicious Thai Restaurant. Mom's never done Thai and always thought she wouldn't like it - but really enjoyed it.
We grabbed some different maps and brochures this time around and are now seriously planning an 'extended trip' sometime around Christmas. We probably won't stay up in NY, but we might buy one of those passes that gets you everywhere and lasts for 9 days. We'd use it for two weekends, or weekdays if we can spare them, and go for a total of four days and hit all those things that we've missed over the years. It's been ages since Ellis Island, we've never done the Empire State Building, or the MET for that matter. Or rode one of those dorky double decker bus tours. It's sounding more and more like a good idea that I'm looking forward to planning with her.

I really should've put a claus in my summer goals for Broadway show trips because 2 in one summer is a first for me too... Go team. Go team go.

~*~*~*~*~

Both concerts I'm seeing in September happen this week -- The Fratellis at the TLA on Thursday Night, and Ben Folds with a live orchestra at the Mann Center on Saturday.
I'm stoked for both. Especially The Fratellis though because tickets were only $16. When does that ever happen anymore!?

~*~*~*~*~

I got a haircut yesterday. I think I like it? If not, I am totally willing to go at it myself with scizzors at this point.

I also think I'm going to go get new glasses sometime soon. Don't expect anything crazy... then again, you never know...

I'm the guy who created the aptively named, "Pancake Breakfast Shot" Thursday night when juice was scarce and syrup was prevalent at Dan's apartment.
1 Shot Vanilla Skyy Vodka + Healthy drizzling of Pancake Syrup
Stir with spoon end.
Lick crux of hand, apply sugar.
Enjoy.

Clearly, Amy + two drinks that could've peeled paint off walls = Small Party


I think all of these things point to the fact that without a rigorous class schedule and demands of running a theatrical organization -- my borderline A.D.D. tendencies and thought-jumping increase tenfold. Usually in a manner that amuses others.


I'm off to run errands (i.e. blow money in various locations) before my family's (picnic/dinner/sort of gathering for the holiday but not really) much later today.

So I'm now four beach trips down -- three to go. I went with my mom on Thursday to Belmar, which was different, but relaxing.
That makes August the bum rush for the beach! I should be going Monday with... Val and Megan I think - I'm determined to hit the magic number!

GO SEE YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN ON BROADWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!
I want to put Roger Bart in my pocket. He'd totally be a pacifier when the A.D.D. type behavior kicks in... That strange noise he made during The Producers as Carmen Ghia -- that strange clapping his hands in front of his face to make that popping sound -- he can actually make that noise himself! - he did it in one scene during Young Frankenstein -- and is therefore even more amazing.


Anywho....
The family vacation to Virginger went very well.
No one died. No explosions.
Just lots of Gingers, Australian Karen (Our Garmin guide), roller coasters, amazing Thai food, ghost stories and cheap alcohol.
Val was very sweet to offer up her comp tickets for us to use. In turn, Chris and I paid for the hotel and taught her how to drive more aggressively. ;-)
We haven't done anything just the three of us since Senior Year I think, so it was nice.
I really need to upload our ye-olde-time photo for shits and giggles (after I get it copied at CVS winkwink)


So - I've recently become re-addicted to a favorite childhood pastime.
Arcade style video games. Chuck-E-Cheese style.
Except now it's at Dave & Busters where I can have alcohol, but it'd throw off my game...
I hope to win a gigantic fuzzy hippopotamus, or a Wii.
Dan seems at least half as excited (more like 1/4 as excited) as I am when we go, so it's totally okay. We've also dragged John, and will hopefully convert others.
We went there last night...with coupons... got $20 worth of free game play.
I broke a game (temporarily... actually I think it was on its way to being messed up), set off a tilt alarm (but was not caught), and beat Dan on a motorcycle racing game (take that -- you and your jingling keys, you! find the throttle while you're at it...)
We both have just under 1,000 tickets on our accounts now - huzzah!


I've been going to Yoga at the gym, and am not disappointed in the amount of weight I've lost so far this summer. Thanks to my Fit-Flops (...maybe) - I think my legs look great.
Yoga's been a calming treat, and I can bust my ass on the elliptical machine for 45 minutes if I have the time. I've been...well... too busy.
Eating right is hard. I'm a sucker for sleep on workdays and don't get up to pack salads or make eggs - and going out with friends (which always involves eating horribly and drinking excessively) is even harder. In those situations... my will-power shrinks. A lot.

And it's a shitty excuse. It's not even an excuse. More like a lame statement. But I'm still proud that I'm maintaining -- AND indulging. And building up endurance. Instead of indulging and tipping the scales and doing worse at the gym.

That says a lot I think. So I can't be too heartbroken.

The summer's not quite over, and I still have a lot to be proud of. So I'm setting some smaller goals and working to hit those, maintain them, and keep going... I think at this point, it's going to be more realistic for me (also good to realize.) Watching habits of healthy people also helps.


And this October I have my "Work your ass off running around like a crazy person (literally), don't sleep, and like it, dammit" diet to look forward. Jumping wagons is ridiculously good for your arms ;-) And um, there might be a reality TV show about Bates and how they put a haunt together and the people who run it. So if it takes off, there might be a lot of me chasing a certain someone around haranguing her while she behaves badly. I'm already in the Travel Channel haunts episode for all of 15 seconds getting my makeup done - so I've got a background in television? hah. It'll be neat to see how this element will add to the madness.


Speaking of which ---
I keep having ridiculous dreams... like... REALLY ridiculous dreams. Featuring a lot of the same people - some who I barely even get to see, so what does that say? People are very much caricatures in these however, so I've been waking up going, "What the... holy hell... was... wait? What???" and sort of giggle to myself. I've been sleeping pretty hard -- probably since I've been spending a lot of nights at Gary's new place painting/priming -- they started the first night I painted actually... maybe there's something in the fumes? Might need to open some more windows!

Lots in my head though recently. Almost so much that I'm having a hard time channeling it.
I apologize in advance if you wind up being that person sitting across from me with a drink who gets to hear me out...

This post was brought to you by parenthesis and ellipses. (...Seriously.)

And thanks to the usual suspects for your comments.
Ali and I used to say to each other after she graduated, "It's not for a lack of caring it's for a lack of time." Hopefully we'll just find some time soon.... and then we'll be set.

I actually *did* get a chance to write a little bit the day after my last post for this one.

Then things got busy and I can get too easily distracted.... wanna' go ride bikes?



Regardless of whether or not I actually want to post this thing where all eyes can see (and believe me, I've debated) -- it's here in all its glory. Only slightly editted, with a few places I get a little sidetracked...because that's just what I do. After this I can go off and give a recap of vacation and other fun things...


So:

I have to say that I love learning how other people view me some of the time.



I find the cattiness of girls can be amusing in retrospect looking at horrible situations. The vicious way that people can turn on one another at the drop of a hat after professing to be so close.
Luckily I've avoided many of those situations... I think.
I've had horrible friendships in my life. Everyone has.
I wonder sometimes what those people I was once close to now think of me. Do they think of me? What nasty things do they say?
... I really don't care unless they're running into people I know... but still. One can wonder about these things.


It's educational, and even if I'm a wimp when it comes to criticism, it's the only way you learn.
I think if you don't stop and try to look at yourself through other people's (at least through your friends) eyes every once in a while -- your self image can get ridiculously skewwed, and that encompasses the way you carry yourself, interact with people - everything.



One of the things that I think I've always known about myself is something we're going to keep lighthearted here by dubbing it 'hulk smash mode.'


I have a 'hulk smash mode'.
Or rather -- people say that it comes off as if I do -- often enough for most people to be aware of it. I pull off a very solid, "I will murder you with my eyes," look when I need to.
I very much refuse to take other people's crap in a variety of situations, can be very quick to judge/gauge situations/people, and if it's a bad day -- or just the right situation - and my reactions can be less than flattering.

Alot of the times I don't even know I'm doing it. People get miffed or tell me to calm down -- and what often runs through my head at that moment is, "I'm not even ANGRY yet - you think this is Angry?"
I'm not sure why people who *haven't* seen me get in a physical fight before, have that instinct not to go there with me.
I haven't gotten in an actual fistfight since the 4th grade.
I kicked the crap out of the class bully. Maybe that's where it started.
Scuffles in high school, sure - but only as a person who jumped in afterwards to help.

Maybe the looks I've perfected truly can instill the fear of god into the hearts of men.



... I've always seen myself as a bit of a big softee. I love puppies, and sunshine - and cry if a movie hits me just right.

I also dislike cocky bastards. Stupid people eventually make me want to throw heavy objects. And I usually visualize bitch-slapping extremely ignorant people after something extremely ignorant has left their lips.



Perhaps I'm bipolar.


Or maybe other people feel this way.

I know I've literally seen Red, twice in my life. Both occurences have happened within the last year. At this job. So I don't think I can put too much stock in that.

But I'm not quick to forgive and I do *not* forget.
I know other people see me as giving, loyal, fun, impulsive, silly...
Most of the time I see myself as these things too.

But other times I see myself... as those adjectives that line the bottom of my blog. I don't know that anyone has ever actually noticed or looked at those. They're there for a reason. I've felt those ways - I've felt judged those ways. They've been there since day one of my blog when I didn't even let people know I wrote here. Perhaps I link myself more consistently with those adjectives than the positive ones.

I just need to start... watching myself, I guess.



In a similar vein, I hate that I'm a person that needs consistent affirmation from the people I love.

Sad, but true. At least in most cases. There are some people in my life that I don't doubt. They're the people that at the end of the worst day ever, even if I don't talk to them, I know I can say, "Well at least they legitimately give a shit."

It's a very short list. As much as I don't care what other people think for most things - emotionally I absolutely need to feel *something*.


There's nothing worse than pure apathy to me.

Perhaps that's why I'm so expressive.

Um... And this next bit is about a... way I express myself? Shrug.

I've been talking with a local skydiver who is kickass. She's nearly three years younger and certified already to make solo jumps. We've been throwing numbers back and forth. I knew it would cost alot, but I never knew exactly what it might cost to get certified. It'd be under $2000. Which in the grand scheme of things... isn't a lot of money to me for something like this.... I guess it's because of how I spend my money. If it's worth it to me - it's worth it to me.

Getting a brand new car - not worth it to me yet.
I could... mostly afford it if I wanted to.
But I spent just $3000 on a car instead. I want a new car when I'll 'fit' the new car.
I'm saving money for this and that -- I think skydiving might get a savings plan.
Or I might open one of those credit cards you don't have to pay interest on for 15 months...
I whittled down a $2000 credit card bill from my time in Australia on a similar credit card in like...3 months while at La Salle.

They say you make great friends skydiving... but I still can't help but wish I knew someone else well enough who was also going to do it.
I don't think that'll hold me back - but the thought is there....

The Story.

I'm bored out of my mind at work and wavering between extreme productivity and completely boycotting it. So I start looking through blogs, seeing how few update these days (not that there's anything wrong with it, there's just less for me to distract myself with!)
Instead then, I start going back through my own.
What else is this for? It's a time capsule really - that I can look over and remember what it was like and all that.

I got stuck on my pre-2008 entry at the end of December. When I posted it, it was supposed to be something constructive for me, really. Think about things that I maybe didn't want to think about that were bothering me. And really just review the year in general. 2007 was a bit of a rollercoaster for me - in a good way. I read through my 'top 12', my editted down list of folks I was thankful for, despite whatever might have been wrong at the time.
Just looking back it's interesting to read them either as reminders for patience, reminders to be thankful, reminders that sometimes things will never change, sometimes people will learn, sometimes people can fix things. Sometimes things *will* never be the same again.


All in all, it's six full months later... and things are good. My winter passed in a rush of trips, last ditch ski runs and snow-hitos. I've thrown myself out there in a lot of ways, kept a packed schedule and reveled in the little downtime I had.


A few things to look forward to:

• Tuning up the brand new spiffy bike with the help of my brother's friends and getting it on the road.
• Going to LA Fitness -- I've actually TALKED to the people like Thunder, and Battleaxe. They're not so bad, really... ;-)
• The IMAX premiere of Dark Knight, and celebrating Heath Ledger with a real bang...
• To the beach!!!
• The 'family vacay' to Busch Gardens at the end of July
• Going to Sesame Place and getting tangled in the Cargo Nets...again. (And watching Val, of course!)

A few things that will suck:

• Angie moving to Chicago on the 30th. Yaaay following your dream... booo not being here :-(
• My brother moving out --- if only because we shared the blame when things went wrong at the house...

So... I think I'll go back to reading more old entries. Maybe even jump over to the ole' Livejournal.

Tomorrow I think I might write about something that I don't think people write about very often.
I've shown reflections of others through my eyes... I haven't done the reverse.
It's a good way to clean house. I've thought it out - but putting it down will give it some clarity I think.

So yeah... hopefully the phones will stay quiet... the office dull -- and the entry will come. :-)

Well, I've put a dent in my beach trips goal for the summer --- I've been twice since I last posted. Not too shabby, considering I think I might have went once last year. :-) I'm starting to look like I have color rather than someone who actively hides from the sun. The second trip I definitely felt my lack of beach exposure - I got a horrible headache from the heat and the sun, but it was still a wonderful trip.

I've also been chatting with skydivers to get some feedback on where the next jump should be. I almost might go for the beach this time - I just need to get more info on standards and safety before I set a date.

Things have been hectic. Interestingly hectic.

I have a list all ready for when I get a chance to tackle more of my room. Things to do - stuff I know can be sent to the salvation army.
It just kepts getting set aside for receiving panicked phone calls, helping clean for surprise parties, going out and generally having a lot going on.



For those of you scoring at home - you'll know I've also had my share of awkward as all hell.

And if you don't know, well, you probably won't hear about it.



I don't *like* talking about my romantic life - whether there's something going on or not.

I like giving folks the general gist of things, and let it go. I'm getting better at sharing about it, but still... It's not so strange. I know a few others like myself, and luckily we commiserate in our secrecy. However, it seems there may foreseeably be someone new in my life.
Summer always has treated me pretty well in this department in terms of flings, flirtations, and making eyes across a crowded mosh pit.

My gym membership expired. I may be joining one of the mainstream beefcake gyms because I want to go gung-ho with spinning classes and pilates... I'm starting to think I'm going to have fun chasing off trainers and flipping off Thunder or Battleaxe trying to intimidate me off of a machine. Fuck that shit. When it comes to spending time at the gym - it's all about me. It's a little like therapy. So I'm excited at the prospect of getting some extra perks - like saunas and the belly dancing classes they have on thursday nights. I think I'll get free passes too... so if anyone wants to try ;-)

I'll probably get up there Monday or Wednesday...
Cuz Tuesday night, I've got a date...

In other news, AMC Neshaminy displeases me - They now only offer student pricing on Thursday nights, and it's still nine-damn-dollars compared to ten. Apparently Franklin Mills is cashing in on this and is offering cheaper tickets Monday through Thursday or something for like $5.00. So... I'm transferring, even if I don't like the place as much. Anyone who feels like seeing The Hulk, or that Adam Sandler nonsense, just let me know :-)

So I was reading an article in a magazine that talked about a correlation between clutter and weight. I don't know how true it might be, but I thought it was interesting.

With that in mind, I've been thinking about things I'd like to try and accomplish this summer.

Especially after last summer, I feel like it's really my perfect time to get things done. Something in the season really motivates me - so I've been mulling over my lucky seven things I feel could really be good moves for me.

=======

1. Streamline My Room
Whether its clothes, shoes, bags, books, stuffed animals, makeup or random junk - I have a *lot* of stuff. Stuff I don't need. I know that I've tried to compress items into a much smaller space than I got used to during college, and that one day I will have the space I need - but even then, I don't want it filled with crap. It's time for me to really clear out my stuff. I've been doing it in bursts for the past months and its been good - now it's time to go gung-ho and really finish it. I want to throw out my bag of nail polish and replace it with 6 awesome colors - that sort of streamlining. I want to walk into my room for 2 weeks straight without it looking like shit. I've started trying to get rid of one item every day, whether its in the trash or good will. It's less abrupt that way really. But I'm so good at organizing other things, heck, even other people's bedrooms, so it's time I worked a little of that magic for myself.

2. Get to the Beach Eight Times

Why eight? Because I'm afraid I can't reach ten - I want attainable goals. Eight will probably be hard as it is. But after the great spur of the moment day trip this week, I know it's such a positive experience to really strive for this summer. I don't care if it's just for a few hours - or even if its later in the day. I want to get there - with all different people - for all different kinds of trips. I think it could be great. If I reach Six, within a reasonable amount of time, I might up the goal...



3. Get to the Poconos!

Summer just seems to prove impossible for Pocono trips these last few years, and I don't know why. I've been up there in the 'summer' twice in the past four years - and that's just stupid.

I have a freaking HOUSE in the MOUNTAINS by a LAKE with a GOLF CART to ride around on stealing lawn gnomes, where there's awesome OUTLET SHOPPING, PAINTBALLING, HIKING, HORSE-BACK RIDING, CAVES, FLEA MARKETS, and all sorts of silly day trip activities that a semi-yokel like me adores the living daylights out of.

We have a Zombie movie in the works. That's pretty ambitious as it is, but I want to get up there to just enjoy the slower pace every now and then. It's a wonderful kind of break from things.



4. Make major progress in my scrapbook.

I buy all the gear for it, and then have like, three pages done. I know the main reason why I don't want to do it. But I'm gong to have to suck it up and face the fact that I don't live in Australia anymore, and I *do* want to preserve all the awesome photos, and keepsakes I brought home with me in the gorgeous book I bought for *that* purpose. I have so much that laying out the things I want on each page is going to be crazy. I need to steal some of those clear slip covers for binders to stuff with things so I can see what's going on and go from there. It's a big project that I'm going to have to make time for - but it's been over two years now that I've been back - even if it doesn't feel that way. I need to do this for me.

5. Attitude Adjustment

Everyone knows that I think I'm crazy. Or rather, that I *know* I'm crazy. From what some people tell me, I might in fact be wrong. From what other people tell me - I might want to have a sit down talk with some sort of professional. Both camps have my best interest at heart and both have their 'evidence'. I know everyone's got something or other about them that's fucked up, no matter what they say. None of these people though, know exactly how I think - when A. happens - this is the first thing that pops in my mind. When B. goes off, my gut reaction is to insert reaction here. No one else knows that. Should someone? Is my unpredictability in that respect a good thing - or am I right in thinking that there could be something inherently fucked up in how things go off in this head of mine at times. It's to the point where I'm not sure if 'talking to a professional' might help if there's something wrong -- or my slight paranoia that they'll tell me something is wrong simply by the fact that I showed up and they want to keep me coming. There's a short list of 'things I think could be the problem'. Whether or not it's real doesn't matter -- certain people will be hearing about this over the summer. And something's going to give. One way or the other.

6. Lose 20 more pounds.

This could be the hardest. Only time will tell. After dropping 50 lbs it's really an uphill battle. But I'm so proud of myself that I've maintained where I am now, and have everything really ready now to hunker down and go the rest of the way. Even then, I might want to go further. You really can't understand what it feels like. Like a metamorphasis. Because people really do treat you differently. I *act* differently. In a way, its horrible to realize - but I'm ignoring that and concentrating on being the best me I can be. I'm doing it to be healthy. I'm doing it because I want to be able to hike for hours and then hike some more. I want to define myself, truly, by my actions. It's still hard to shake what many refer to as the 'fat girl attitude'. It's a defense mechanism. It's a desire to go unnoticed, to purposely avoid eye contact... all those fucked up habits need to go along with everything else.
I need to settle into a better gym routine, and see where I can kick things up a notch. I might try swimming. It's supposed to be great for you.
I'm working on finding a bike - so I'll be looking for anyone who wants to do that -- or to hike this summer. Anything outdoorsy really...


7. Take the plunge... again.

It's been over a year and a half. I *need* to go skydiving. Anyone who wants to go again, or for the first time, has nearly $200 to drop, and won't have me face a firing squad of angry parents for being the antichrist (sorry, Doug-though if you can swing it, please come!) by all means, join me. I got five to go last time. I'm good at this game. I've been scouting out locations. I'd love to go by the shore.
That's the most essential 'adventure' of the summer - but I want others. Gene and I have discussed a paintball outing that absolutely has to happen. I've never been, and that's stupid! Horseback riding is another one. So yeah... bring it!

=======

My birthday is next week... I'll be turning 23. I'm thinking "Boat, Beer & Bonfire," will be the means of celebrating that friday. And as of my birthday, I'll say my summer begins. I don't really have any other marker, so that works just as well for me. I kind of can't wait...

I generally dislike writing on the mundane - but at the same time, that's better than having something truly horribe happening in my life.

Since I haven't written anything in over a month, I figured I owe myself a bit of a cleanout.



I've been so excited these past weeks with the coming of the warmer weather. The days its rained I've been tired and feeling low - and then the sun comes out and everything's better. That doesn't happen in the deep winter, or even the summer really when it rains. Just spring - but it works. It's when I reboot. Summer I'm usually much more productive (zombie movie, anyone?) so I've been pulling my summer clothes out of the attic in excitement.... only to find that nothing fits. Sure - "i have no room to complain" because its a good thing -- but I also HAVE NO CLOTHES! Like, someone-give-me-a-rope-or-something-my-pants-are-falling-completely-down-I-have-no-clothes. On my paycheck it's not going to be fun trying to create a new wardrobe. Hooray for my birthday coming up in a few weeks... I can guilt relatives into clothing me.



This week also was the first week without Gene here - or Christiana for that matter. Now that they're both gone it's ridiculously noticeable. The days go slower, and aren't really entertaining the way we'd make them. They both came back last night for our opening night party over at the scene shop (hooray!) and we're still going to be friends after this - but going it alone here is alot harder than I thought it would be. Gene was my office sibling - we'd tape things to each other, page one another over the phone system with death threats, and generally have a good time being crazy. BRT was slowly sucking out his soul though, so we made his last week great. Taco and Ice cream runs (not at the same time, promise), an hour cigar 'smoke break' to make up for all the time we'd never slacked off from work to smoke, a cowboy vs. gladiator fight... the list goes on. And he was the guy who made me feel confident that friends after college can be just as worthwhile. Last night we celebrated with another cigar outing outside the shop and just talked about anything. He's a cool kid - and I only hope the new hires are half as awesome as he is.

Things are pretty good otherwise - nothing exciting to report, which is fine by me.

Well there are two things... Eddie Izzard on Monday! And Stone Temple Pilots on the 18th! Sarah landed pit tickets for my birthday... So yeah - exciting things! Probably the only exciting thing about my birthday really... its on a tuesday this year, and I never know what to do or feel like 'celebrating' myself. Whatev...

Oh wow... on another note.... exciting... in a horrible way...
Sindhu just got fired. Like walked in here and said today was her last day by Sue's decree.
Um... time for damage control?
Run!

Dear Liver,
Honestly, I don't *mean* to abuse you this way... not really.
It's just that you happen to be stuck on the front lines when it comes to dealing with this thing that I will NOT be calling 'my alcoholism' because I don't think we've quite reached that point yet. Anyways, I'm sorry for last night, and hope you'll be willing to either speak with me or deal with more liquor in the next 24 hours or so. Chin up ole' gal! <3 Me


Last night was amazing. I still can say I'm a well behaved drunk - and I listen when I'm towed around and guided out of bars and into subways without hemming and hawwing like a lunatic.
Go team.
Much love to Dan & Greg for a much needed night on the town.
How is it that I slept like a baby and Dan got sick?


I've also decided that being a late bloomer in certain respects isn't so bad at all.
Even drinking - I drink now more than I did in college. I enjoy it even more now than I ever would have in school because of the stress of everything else.
It's so much easier to relish things, and find things to look forward to when you're not doing everything and being so demanding and expectant of things.
It's kinda awesome.

Reaaaaally.... really.... bored at work.

If you had to be _________ then you'd choose to be a ________ .

A Vegitable .... Red Pepper
An Animal .... Wombat
A Fruit .... Peach
A Color .... Midnight Blue
A Household Object .... Blender
Article of Clothing .... Scarf
A Drink .... Lemonade
A Famous Person .... Cate Blanchett
A Film Character .... Kate McKay in Kate & Leopold (mmm... Hugh Jackman as timetraveling hunk from the 19th century...I'd hit that.)
A Cartoon Character .... Bender in Futurama
A Car .... A red 1968 Pontiac Firebird Hardtop Coupe
A City .... Sydney, AU
A Country .... New Zealand
A Mythical Creature .... Hippogriff
A Chocolate Bar .... Kit Kat
A Book .... Veronika Decides To Die
A Sport .... Skiing
A Word .... Anatidaephobia: The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.
One of Your Family .... My cousin Alexis
One Of Your Friends .... Sarah - but only if we switched in a Freaky Friday scenario and screwed with people's heads.

The ones that got away (or, you'll just never get...)

1. Pride & Prejudice (1995)

7. Dead Alive (1992... directed by Peter Jackson a lifetime before LotR!)

10. Sense & Sensibility (1995... a good year for Jane Austen, really...)


Bonus: Alan Rickman (who is the shit) - as Hans Gruber in Die Hard, as The Metatron in Dogma, and Colonel Brandon in Sense & Sensibility.

Steeeeaaaaling...

1. 15 Favorite Movies
2. Quotes
3. Post so folks Guess
4. Cheat and bad things will happen...


1. A: If he has withdrawn his high opinion of you, why should you care?
B: I don't know! I can't explain it. I know I shall probably never see him again... I... cannot bear to think that he is alive in the world......and thinking ill of me.


2. A: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.
B: I wonder, did your friend smile at his own death?
A: You must know... He was your father. (Gladiator - DP)


3. You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I! [rhino noise] (Death to Smoochy - DP)


4. This may smell bad, kid, but it'll keep you warm until I get the shelter up... Ugh. And I thought they smelled bad on the *outside*. (The Empire Strikes Back - DK)


5. A: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only...
B: No fucking shit, lady!! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?! (Die Hard - DK... it's about time someone got this!!)


6. You know that was the time I was most frightened... waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. (Jaws - DP)


7. What do you want? You're not from ze immigration. I told you people I lost my bloody papers ok. My family left Latvia during the occupation. Ve vere hunted like DOGS!


8. You're a... you're a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother and I don't know why you have wings, but you have very lovely legs and you're a very nice tiny person and what am I saying, I don't know who my mother was; I'm an orphan and I've never done drugs because I missed the sixties, I was an accountant. (Hook - DP)


9. A: I don't want this, it's too big.
B: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have. (Dogma - DK)

10. A: Do you compare your conduct with his?
B: No. I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it with yours.


11. A: Are you able to see the white line painted on the floor directly behind you, Six-Double-Five-Three-Two-One?
B: Yes, sir.
A: Then your toes belong on the *other* side of it! (A Clockwork Orange - DP)


12. Fuck you, W****! I didn't create the situation, I'm just dealin' with it! You're acting like a first year fucking theif - I'm acting like a professional! If they get him, they can get you. They get you, they get closer to me, and that can't happen! And you, motherfucker, are lookin' at me like it's MY fault. I didn't tell him my name. I didn't tell him where I was from. I didn't tell him what I knew better than NOT to tell him! Fuck, fifteen minutes ago you almost told me your name! You, buddy, are stuck in a situation YOU created. So, if you wanna throw bad looks somewhere, throw 'em at a mirror! (Reservoir Dogs - DK)


13. I think you will find me a slasher... of prices! (Hot Fuzz - DK)


14. This morning, a list arrived at the headquarters. It was a list of civilians who’d been…rounded up and sent to Germany in a convoy… that left Stalingrad three weeks ago. My parents were amongst them. After 300 kilometers the Germans stopped the train and forced everyone out. In the middle of a bridge, they bound them together, two by two. Mothers with daughters. Husbands and wives. They… lined them up against the railing, and then fired a single shot at each pair… to save bullets. It worked. The bodies of the ones who died dragged the others under the water. I know they died together. They never would have let themselves be separated. (Enemy At the Gates - JC)


And last, but not least - probably my favorite storytelling scene from a movie ever. Many points to the person who gets this...

15. "Once upon a time deep, deep in the jungle there was a little engine that could and he was chuggin' his way across the enemy line. chugga chugga chugga chugga, chugga chugga chugga chugga, toot toot. This little engine's mission was to take some AK-47's and a nuclear payload over the mountain to the 20-63 battalion, needless to say there was plenty opposition. You think that stopped the Little Engine That Could? No-sir-e-Bob, He just kept chuggin’ along…
chugga chugga chugga chugga, chugga chugga chugga chugga, toot toot
Not even when they climbed aboard the train and popped out the eyes of the conductor. And blood and snot was drippin’ out his eye sockets.
You think that stopped the Little Engine That Could? Damn skippy he just kept chuggin' along.
chugga chugga chugga chugga, chugga chugga chugga chugga, toot toot
It wasn’t till... Charlie rigged the bridge with plastic explosives.... Just as the Little Engine was making his way across the trestle:
BOOM!
Explosion happened! Blood and guts and spit and ass was everywhere, And Bubba come crawling out the back door... both legs missing...
Lula May’s Baby Boy - And he looked up at me, he said 'Payne, I can't feel my legs...'
and I said 'Bubba, they ain't there' And I looked down and them little bloody nubs was kicking real fast like this here. And I said, “Bubba, It’s thirty miles to the nearest town, unless you can flip upside down and walk on your hands, you ain't gonna make it. All of a sudden Charlie was all over the place, just me and my sidearm. I had no other alternative but to blast my way out:
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
DIE PIG DIE!
(Major Payne - DP... Dammit, Doug, be proud!)


Also, this happened by accident - but I've got the same case as Jess.
Bonus: Name the actor that stars in 3 of the 15 movies? There's also one who stars in 2 films...

Bonus #2: Robin Williams, in Death to Smoochy, and Hook - DK

1. I like winning things.

2. I like spending other people's money (even if it's not something for me, it's just fun!....sorry Doug!)

3. La Salle NEVER serves good drinks at events.

4. I forgot how much more fun watching Lost is while with other people who are just as obsessed as I am.

5. You can only walk in pumps like that for so long...

=====

Last night at the Service Auction was a lot of fun, so I'm really glad I manipulated the schedule at work to have off. ;-)

Oh, and I've officially started moving parts of my paycheck into my ING account with the aims of getting to New Zealand in some way, shape, or form... I'd already set aside some money for traveling later, but now I'm stepping up the amount of money I'm putting towards it...sorting the details will have to wait a little while, but it's a start.

Upcoming Pocono Weekends are getting so close I can smell the snow... for now I'll have to settle for Jess' birthday festivities. :-)

In order to successfully immigrate to New Zealand one must submit an 'Expression of Interest' and have a rating of at least 140 points by their standards for suitability.

You need to speak english, have a clear record, have a degree, etc.
They're also looking for young professionals.
And particularly folks with just the right amount of experience in certain select areas.

I don't *do* science.
They're taking exceptional folks in the performing arts...
except I don't have any formal training on the administrative side, or the skill to qualify on the artistic side.

I need to marry a computer programmer, pronto.

...Or I could try to get into a Masters program there? Go for something that's on their skills shortage list.

Or start skydiving like a freak and get to 1000 jumps. They need tandem jumpers...


This is what goes through my brain when I'm bored at work. I peruse my options

I keep drifing off to sleep at night and seeing Sydney in my mind - and feeling nothing but heartache for it.
Sigh.

I don't know if I want to really move back down there or absolutely just need to go back and explore more.

Maybe a working holiday? A few months?
I guess I need a job where I can save up the money to pay off my loans while I'd be gone, buy the roundtrip ticket, and go.
Backpack down north and south island like a migrant worker and do the fruitpicking gig I hear so much about.
Anyone care to join? Or stop me before I lose it? ;-)

====

"Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quiestest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey." — Pat Conroy

Wow, kids --- only 45% on that song list?
I feel so eclectic now... and surprised that certain folks missed songs from groups like the Foo Fighters, Soundgarden, STP... I mean... I dunno. Surprised, I guess.

I guess I'll post the ones no one got?

=====

2. I tried hard to mend my wicked ways, acted like a lunatic for years...
Wicked Ways - Garbage

5. Lately things won't go my way. Lately everthing is grey...
No Way - Korn

6. Cross through the border states to the wrong side, wrong side, and look away, Virginia...
Problems and Bigger Ones - Harvey Danger

8. Pleased to meet you, nice to know me, whats the message, will ya show me?
Down - Stone Temple Pilots

9. Oh well I'm the type of guy who will never settle down, where pretty girls are, well you know that I'm around...
The Wanderer - Dion and the Belmonts

10. Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue, Thought I heard you talking softly
Ordinary World - Duran Duran

11. Ooh - stop. With your feet in the air and your head on the ground, try this trick and spin it...
Where Is My Mind? - The Pixies

14. I'm drinking dust, with eyes of rust - tonight my tears might stain your wings, so flutter home cuz you're better off alone than with me...
Flutter Girl - Chris Cornell

15. Watch out sister, watch out brother watch our children while they kill each other with a gun they bought at Wal-Mart discount stores...
Love Is A Good Thing - Sheryl Crow

19. You used to live in New York City, then you moved to L.A., but you still miss the streets, where you used to play...
Bi-Coastal - Hugh Jackman, The Boy From Oz (Original Cast Recording)

21. This is the sound, the here and the now, you got to talk the talk, the talk, the talk, to get it all out...
The Last Song - Foo Fighters

22. Can't you hear those cavalry drums hijacking your equilibrium, midnight hags in the mausoleum where the pixilated doctors moan...
Sexx Laws - Beck

26. Too low to find my way too high to wonder why, I've touched this place before somewhere in another time...
Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation

27. Just when I thought everything would be okay, just when I started to believe that everything was goin' my way, out came the cloud from under my feet, crashing back down to reality...
Pet Names - Smash Mouth

28. If I had my time again I would do it all the same and not change a single thing even when I was to blame...
Situation No Win - Audio Dynamite

29. You and your museum of lovers, the precious collection you've housed in your covers My simpleness threatened by my own admission...
Bathwater - No Doubt

30. I caught the moon today, pick it up and throw it away, all right, I got the perfect steal A cleaner love, with a dirty feel...
Pretty Noose - Soundgarden

31. I'm not surprised it's come to this, sooner or later there must be another's kiss, behind that kiss a promise of a life of bliss, yeah great...
Upside Down - Barenaked Ladies

33. Let me tell you about a girl I know, had a drink about a hour ago. Sitting in a corner by herself, in a bar in downtown Hell...
Date Rape - Sublime

35. You, doin' that thing you do breakin' my heart into a million pieces like you always do and you don't mean to be cruel you never even knew about the heartache I've been goin' through...
That Thing You Do - The Wonders

38. Train roll on, on down the line,Won't you please take me far away?Now I feel the wind blow outside my door,Means I'm leaving my woman behind.
Tuesday's Gone - Lynyrd Skynyrd

40. Cut a tape of my favorite songs, said what I can't face to face, I hoped that you would share all my thoughts...
R3wind - Better Than Ezra

====

Also, enjoy one of the best dating metaphors I've ever heard:

"The physical distance you maintain between you and your date conveys a powerful non-verbal message. On the one hand, if you keep away, she'll think you're not interested. On the other, if you get too close, she'll scream. Think of yourself as the Death Star. Only from the right distance will you seem like a gentle moon."

And that ladies and gentlemen is why I'm a complete and total nerd.
And explainably single. :-P

Since I like stealing....

Um... Good Luck?
------------------
Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 40 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own
------------------

1. Sit around and watch the tube but nothin's on I change the channel for an hour or two... (DP) Green Day - Longview

2. I tried hard to mend my wicked ways, acted like a lunatic for years...

3. And it's true we named our children After towns that we've never been to... (DP) Modest Mouse - Black Cadillacs

4. I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things... (DP) Queen - Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy

5. Lately things won't go my way. Lately everthing is grey...

6. Cross through the border states to the wrong side, wrong side, and look away, Virginia...

7. I walked across an empty land -I knew the pathway like the back of my hand... (DP) Keane - Somewhere Only We Know

8. Pleased to meet you, nice to know me, whats the message, will ya show me?

9. Oh well I'm the type of guy who will never settle down, where pretty girls are, well you know that I'm around... (Oh, but who *sang* it... c'mon Doug...)

10. Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue, Thought I heard you talking softly

11. Ooh - stop. With your feet in the air and your head on the ground, try this trick and spin it...

12. I was just a paper hanger, no one more obscurer... (VC) The Producers Original Broadway Cast - Springtime for Hitler - Part II

13. There's every good reason for letting you go, she's sneaky and smoked out and it's starting to show... (DP) Third Eye Blind - Never Let You Go

14. I'm drinking dust, with eyes of rust - tonight my tears might stain your wings, so flutter home cuz you're better off alone than with me...

15. Watch out sister, watch out brother watch our children while they kill each other with a gun they bought at Wal-Mart discount stores...

16. It doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all, the life I've left behind me is a cold one... (AE) Sarah McLachlan - Sweet Surrender

17. Hey mama don't you treat me wrong, come and love your daddy all night long, alright now, hey hey... (DP) Ray Charles -What'd I Say

18. Well, Billy rapped all night about his suicide, how he'd kick it in the head when he was twenty-five... (DP) David Bowie - All the Young Dudes (tho I do have the Mott the Hoople version too...)

19. You used to live in New York City, then you moved to L.A., but you still miss the streets, where you used to play...

20. There's a moment in my mind I scribbled and erased a thousand times, like a letter never written or sent... (DP) Ben Folds - Sentimental Guy

21. This is the sound, the here and the now, you got to talk the talk, the talk, the talk, to get it all out...

22. Can't you hear those cavalry drums hijacking your equilibrium, midnight hags in the mausoleum where the pixilated doctors moan...

23. It's getting near dawn when lights close their tired eyes, I'll soon be with you my love, to give you my dawn surprise... (DP) Cream - Sunshine of Your Love

24. Here we are on earth together, it's you and I, God has made us fall in love, It's true, I've really found someone like you... (DP) Michael Buble - You and I

25. Conversion software version 7.0 looking at life through the eyes of a tired hub eating seeds as a pasttime activity... (DK) System of a Down - Toxicity

26. Too low to find my way too high to wonder why, I've touched this place before somewhere in another time...

27. Just when I thought everything would be okay, just when I started to believe that everything was goin' my way, out came the cloud from under my feet, crashing back down to reality...

28. If I had my time again I would do it all the same and not change a single thing even when I was to blame...

29. You and your museum of lovers, the precious collection you've housed in your covers My simpleness threatened by my own admission...

30. I caught the moon today, pick it up and throw it away, all right, I got the perfect steal A cleaner love, with a dirty feel...

31. I'm not surprised it's come to this, sooner or later there must be another's kiss, behind that kiss a promise of a life of bliss, yeah great...

32. Cold and frosty morning,Theres not a lot to say, About the things caught in my mind,A nd as the day was dawning, My plane flew away... (DK) Oasis - Don't Go Away

33. Let me tell you about a girl I know, had a drink about a hour ago. Sitting in a corner by herself, in a bar in downtown Hell...

34. She waits for me at night she waits for me in silence she gives me all her tenderness and takes away my pain, and so far she hasn't run, but I swear she's had her moments... (VC) Billy Joel - All About Soul

35. You, doin' that thing you do breakin' my heart into a million pieces like you always do and you don't mean to be cruel you never even knew about the heartache I've been goin' through... (The name of the BAND folks!)

36. The fortune queen of New Orleans brushing her cat in her black limousine on the backseat scratches from marks of men her fortunes she had won... (MM) Cher - Dark Lady

37. It won't be easy you'll think it's strange when I try to explain how I feel that I still need your love after all that I've done... (VC) Patti LuPone in Evita - Don't Cry For Me Argentina

38. Train roll on, on down the line,Won't you please take me far away?Now I feel the wind blow outside my door,Means I'm leaving my woman behind.

39. I won't stand in your way let your hatred grow and she'll scream and she'll shout and she'll pray and she had a name yeah she had a name... (DK) Muse - Stockholm Syndrome

40. Cut a tape of my favorite songs, said what I can't face to face, I hoped that you would share all my thoughts...


And #40 seems to be a perfect closer to me...

We'll see how folks do - after looking this over, I'm feeling quite dated. :-)
And I never realized how many instrumental songs I had on my iPod till now! Sheesh!
I only skipped those, and one or two songs that weren't in English, or from no one any normal creature would've heard of...

I heart skiing!

... and fully realize that this picture doesn't actually *show* me skiing... but at least there's snow, and dammit, I look cute.
I was first put on skiis when I was like, four, but a camera is one thing my family never really took to the ski slopes. Disposables weren't so big back then, and the family camera in those days was a commodity you didn't risk breaking while flying down a mountain at high speeds with two boards strapped to your legs.

Needless to say, there aren't really any pictures of me on skis - something I'd love to remedy this year by bringing a disposable up for the next big trip. I'm skilled enough that a disposable would likely survive the trip, and only be at risk from the weather... it'll be a fun challenge, but an event worth capturing I think.

This weekend was excellent. The tiny weekends *always* are. Greg and I braved another "Day Off at the Slopes" on Friday at Jack Frost after nearly sweating ourselves out of the house thursday night and watching copious amounts of Pinky & The Brain while drinking (you know you're jealous.) Nik joined us Friday night for an evening of ridiculously varied conversational pieces and alcohol that ended very late. We skied again (and before anyone starts to question the spelling, it goes - to ski, have skied, go skiing, own skis -thankyouverymuch) Saturday evening at Big Boulder and ended the trip at Denny's with the most forgetful waittress known to man. All of it was lovely, even if my ski boots are definitely in need of a tune up (you do not want to see the bruise on my calf) it's still the most exhilirating sport that doesn't happen at 15,000 feet.

It was perfect having Friday off, so I had today to recover. I definitely need to try another 2 day ski trip to build up my strength - it's exhausting, but well worth it! I'm even well aware of the fact that I have to go to work tomorrow, and I'm not miffed in the least... which really says something, huh?



Oh, and Asian Boy Scouts still do not belong on skis. That is all.

==========
"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball." -- Doug Larson

So upon reviewing the previous post - I've decided I definitely will tell you who/where you are.
Some folks have been way off, and its slightly amusing. Actually - maybe you should ask me.
Assuming you're one, and then being another could make things completely different.
(Though the positive ones outweigh the debbie-downers anyway.)
So, ask away... And if you'd like to buy me a drink to butter me up beforehand, I won't refuse. ;-)

~*~*~

This year I've decided to dust off a random gift I was given several years ago - a journal book called 'A Year In My Life'. You fill out all sorts of fun information - you glue in photos of yourself, your friends, talk about whats going on in life, politics, fashion, film - whatever. Its got envelopes to stow away keepsakes and lots of blank pages to scrapbook or write in. Its designed to last a long time, and serve as a time capsule of a period in your life.

I'm really looking forward to it.
I've never had such a positive outlook on a year before, perhaps because I never considered it as a new chance. I never really made resolutions, or change - but it doesn't have to stay that way.


==========
"There's a fine line between fishing, and standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Steven Wright

So there have been ups and downs on blogs recently.

I understand both sides of the Top 15 argument – though if I may point out, everybody just loooved them last year… just sayin’ ;-)

I’m still wary of them, but cleaning house has been important to me in the past months. I’ve overlooked some that probably would’ve been here because of their preferences or lack of giving a crap– So it's more like a Top 12 but it doesn’t mean you might not be in here somewhere…and that I'll probably tell you I love you when I see you next.

And of course, to be slightly different, and I give you my enormous

2007 Wrap-Up Extravaganza!

Fun for the whole family! Win Fabulous Prizes!
Familiarize yourself with the inner workings of my mind!

*batteries not included, may cause blindness and bouts of uncontrollable screaming

2007 in a Nutshell

My Best Decision: I. Matter. Too.

My Worst Decision: Letting certain people matter too much…

My Best Decision on a Whim: Saying what the hell, and working at the Bates Motel.

My Best Eureka Moment: Remembering I love to read/Remembering I love to dance – and acting on both of those realizations.

My Best Dumbass Moment: So *that’s* what OBX stands for!

Top This #1!
(*and note, they’re in no particular order)

If a person could successfully wish away pain just once, I would use that wish for you. The phrase 'life's not fair' doesn't even begin to cover it, as far as I consider things concerning you. I was spoiled once in how often I got to see you, and now it’s the complete opposite. I'm so thankful for the adventures we've had together because they'll always be amongst the defining and best moments of my life. I hate now that I don't see you at all. I still think of you any time I try to start a more intellectual conversation. I think of you even more when that attempt leads to disappointment over the general lack of ‘giving a shit about the rest of the world’ that’s rampant in a lot of places. I really need more of you in my life. Because I'd trust you with anything. I think you know that, but I don't think you realize just how much that means to me. Or how hard I'd try to do anything to make you smile.

Best Film I watched on DVD: Everything is Illuminated (tears)

Best Film (as in *I* had the best time) I saw in theatres: Hot Fuzz

Most Underrated Film of the Year: The Kingdom

Worst Film of the Year: Spiderman 3 – Peter Parker… in EYELINER? Oh c’mon!!

Top That #2!

Waiting for a chance to fix whatever’s broken in this friendship is painful. Especially when I’m not quite sure what to do. Life gets in the way. Has gotten in the way. It'll never be the same, but I’ll never forget how we used to be. We're both changing and trying to keep that link is hard. But I think we both want it. I don't know what I'll do if you don't feel the same. We get awkward and eggshelly, within moments of being on the level of TMI-comfortable. I'm glad we still can talk about things, but I feel like I'm saying more? Perhaps because you don't have the issues, or you don't want to share them with me anymore. You’re the one that saw what happened with certain friendships in the past, how much it hurt. I just won't let go without a fight. Not on this one. Not on you.

Best Artist I discovered this year: Lily Allen

Best Dance Floor hit: Don’t Stop the Music – Rihanna

Best Alt. Rock Single: We’ve Got Everything – Modest Mouse

Best ‘so Emo*I* hurt’ release: The Bird and The Worm - The Used

Best Mainstream, but even *I* listen to it song: Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5

Top This #3!

I’m lucky to have you. Even though I’m not old enough to really say this, I think you’d know what I mean when I say, “You keep me young.” You’re the best listener I’ve ever met. You’re quick to love, and quick to hurt – which I hate to see, but your sensitivity is part of who you are, and what makes you so empathetic. And I couldn’t be more proud of you. You’ll come to learn that personal successes, whether it’s simply being known for always sticking to your guns, or being completely dedicated – are worth much more than the limelight. But *you* have to know and believe that. You give yourself far too little credit. And it can be a hard road to change that. But I’ll be there to push you forward, to laugh with you, give a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen when you need it. Because I need you beside me to see eye to eye on life, the universe, and how freakin’ stupid guys are. ;-)

Best New Online Guilty Pleasure: Derrick Comedy

Best Online Waste of Time: Superpoke, JetMan, or SuperDeluxe

Worst display of the complete breakdown of the American Education System available Online FOREVER: Miss Teen USA South Carolina.

Top That #4!

I don't know how it got to this point between us. There really wasn't any call for it when it started. And then suddenly there it was, going so deep without us even realizing it, both of us so thankful it started and was there when we needed it. Because I couldn't do without you. You're a constant in my life that demands very little of me (in my opinion.) But loyalty is something so ingrained, for the both of us I think - that I don't expect it with you - I know it. I admire your resolve, and worry at your moods, and always hope that you'll keep striving to look on the bright side of life and laugh a little more. You'd be there in an instant in any way you could for me. And it's an absolute blessing to have that safety line. In very low moments you don’t know what it meant to be able to remind myself that you still gave a shit, and could spot a quiet something bothering me from a mile away. I'll keep working to be the same for you.

Best Moment In Science This Year: The discovery that skin cells may someday be used in Stem Cell Research, which means coming closer to helping people with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s (among other things).

Best Mass-Marketed History Lesson This Year: Ken Burns’ “The War” 14-hour documentary on PBS.

Worst Display of the Fact That Our Government Doesn’t Give a Shit About Our Aging Highway Systems: The collapse of the 35 West Bridge in Minneapolis, MN

Top This #5!

I'm kind of in awe-slash-so happy of/for you. I flatter myself, thinking that I've rubbed off on you in the smallest way, and that it's helped you as you’ve shattered the mold as of late. I'm glad to be one of those people who can say I saw it in you all along, just waiting for the right time. No matter what, even in exasperated ‘fistshake’ moments, I’ve always wanted good things for you. You’re genuinely you, even if you’re still trying to figure out who that is exactly. And I really admire that. I wish for you all the confidence you need for the route you've chosen - a route which shows just how much smarter you are than me in so many ways – but it doesn’t stop you from listening to me either. Stay open, and questioning, and always absorbing new thoughts and ideas – I can’t wait to keep watching how chia-pet-tacularly you grow in different ways. I'm keeping you. And I’m extremely proud of you, regardless of the fact, that there’s really no call for me to be so. But there it is.

Best Road Trip: Val, Doug & I started the year right with our “Pennsyltucky or Bust” trip to see Megan.

Best Weekend: Hands down, the Old Hats Poconos Weekend, Wii tacular, drunken Tengamo throwing, snowtubing action with some of my favorite folks.

Best Last Minute Adventure: The Greg-Amy-N-Pam Skiing Extravaganza with oodles of Allie Wendling and Nik & Perry-poo in the middle. So thrown together. So amazing!

Best Road Discovery: The Liquor Store the size of a supermarket just off I-95 in Delaware – Tax Free Liquor! And free samples poured!

Top That #6!

Every way I've tried to write this has come out either like a cop out, or kicking in your teeth. I'm kind of not happy with how our friendship functions anymore. Mostly because I feel like the only thing we successfully do is laugh together anymore. The whole 'feeling unvalued' stuff isn't for me anymore, and to be honest, even just thinking about you involves having to think of your 'issues' - and it's exhausting. It didn't use to be this way, but I stayed. And I don't know when I lost cred with you either, because there was never a question of loyalty on my part. You probably won't see it like that, or realize what kind of shit I get forced into sifting through, and that the only reason I bothered was because I cared about you.

Best book found randomly at the library: The Outlander Series

Best new bad habit: Reading trashy romance novels. About vampires. Or British people.

Best Book Published: I Am America (And So Can You!) By Stephen Colbert

Top This #7!

I wish I saw you more. We always have so much fun, but both have too much going on, as usual. I'm so glad you're in a good place. You know what I mean. Even you know that things are swell, all things considered. You really are brilliant, and I really hope you move forward in your career and go courageously into the future in some ridiculously flamboyant fashion. You absolutely deserve it, and I know you adore me as much as I adore you – I don’t care what anyone else might say. I told someone recently that I considered the two of us a 'mutual admiration society', because I know we'd both go to great lengths for one another. And it's truly comforting to have that, even when we can't see each other as often as we once did. We just need to keep plugging along and working at it like we do - and who knows, maybe we'll still take over the world together. Nothing has me smiling faster than thinking of being silly with you.

Biggest Loss to the Literary World: Kurt Vonnegut

Biggest Loss to the Musical World: Luciano Pavarotti

Biggest Loss to the Film World: Jack Valenti

Biggest Loss to the Mime Community: Marcel Marceau

Biggest Loss to Will Ferrell & SNL Fans Everywhere: Robert Goulet (Goooolaay!)

Top That #8!

I feel like we both have these moments where we worry like we don’t know each other as well as we had hoped, and wonder about it. But I think we do, on a level where it doesn’t require sweating the small stuff. Or rather, we accept and care no matter what. You accept me and my ‘should’ve kept my mouth shut’ moments – and I sincerely couldn’t be happier for you in your new openness about the importance of this big thing in your life. I wish you’d have felt more comfortable with throwing it out there sooner. Because anyone that might be weirded out doesn’t really know you, or deserve you. You’re wise beyond your years, and I think people are really starting to see that now. You can still be silly, and crazy – which is good. It can help you through a lot. I hope your journey with this only grows stronger & more meaningful to you. I wish I could embrace something like you do. You’re a beautiful person, and I can’t wait to watch you shine – and hopefully get to see more of you!!

Best New TV Obsession: Heroes

Best New Obsession in General: Organizing… even more.

Best *&* Worst Development in TV: The Writers’ Strike… now I’ll never see Lost!!

Top This #9!

I love you to death. But sometimes I want to beat you with a sock filled with quarters. It’s over something that I feel like you should’ve grown out of by now. Like – You should’ve learned this somewhere! You need to try & ... listen better. Not project back onto yourself as much. I can't preach to be the better person, because you are a wonderful person. I feel like this is a ‘piece of food stuck in your teeth but no one’s saying anything’ thing. Because you deserve it. We need to keep growing up (christ do I realize that about myself as well - please believe that and help me work on me too!) and learning about ourselves, and keep changing into the people that we really want to be and have others see. You've got so much of it right. And I’m sure there are things about me that make you want to strangle me, but we put up with those things because we’re friends.

Does Life Go On After College? Yes.

Does Life Get Better After College? Yes! You will have significantly higher amounts of sanity.

Top That #10!

I knew from the beginning that we’d be friends – because we both kind of rock that way. We’re pretty damned open with each other about things, and I’m glad that we’ve been able to hang out more because times were too few & far between for a while there. Things in your life right now have me giddy. Because I SO called it. Or rather, thought of it wistfully & then let it float away like so many of my more grandiose ideas. You’re probably the most patient and kind person I know. You kind of amaze me in your job, your attitude – most things in general. The world could use more people like you. In addition to that - our crazies mesh so well together! Yet we can calm them down & reel them in, snickering all the while that others don’t realize how crazy we can get…

Revelations:
- Most of my valued friendships have only gotten stronger during the second half of this year, which I’m really thankful for. Sometimes a little alcohol is all it takes to get things out there.

-There are a few that haven't had as much of a chance to move. People in school are short on time & sanity, and I *so* get that – but I’m determined to grab some quality time with you yet.

- Friends that disappoint never seem to realize they’re disappointing – For shit friends shouldn’t have to drop hints for. But it gets old. And I will be a convenience for no one.

- I’ve become even more of a fickle shopper now that I’m losing weight, which is funny because I thought I’d just start grabbing anything smaller that fit and be happy.

Top This #11!
Wondering how you're doing is something of a habit of mine. I wonder if you've started to listen to the growing group of people around you telling you things that I've told you all along. I hope you have. I wish you could relax as yourself more. And I could actually be there to see it sometime; because I worry it doesn't even happen anymore. Not really. Or maybe I don't want to see or admit that you've changed and grown into a different person I'm not sure I'll really know again because my window of opportunity feels like its shrinking and surrounded by distractions. But I wish you'd realize how willing I am to listen to you again. The group of people whose complaints I will actually listen to in their entirety isn't that big - and you're supposed to be in it. I’m supposed to be able to blatantly tell you when you’re being a shithead about this, or that I can’t believe certain choices you’ve made in the company you keep because you’re YOU and you’re not *supposed* to do that. I’ve been replaced in a lot of respects, which is totally okay, but I used to think I still counted for something to you. Right now… I really don’t know anymore.

Affirmations:

-Thanks to the ladies who’ve let me sort out issues by rambling.

-Thanks to those in my family who’ve stuck close for a lot of... change.

-I'm not done changing yet.

-I can't wait to see where I'll end up.

Top That #12!

I don’t think you even use blogger, and if you do, I don’t know it… yet – but goddammit, I enjoy you, sir! We’ve always sort of randomly brushed past one another over the years, but this year we’ve finally had the chance to actually speak to one another, and lo and behold, we get along splendidly. I love our cross between wretchedly stupid and obscenely brilliant conversations. I hope this new friendship, wait for it waitforit – GAY! – will bloom in the New Year and that we learn more about each other and all that crap. You’re definitely a kindred spirit, and I’m so glad we’re finally friends. I already think you’re super smart, so don’t let me down, and thanks for rekindling my interest in writing. Hearing you talk about your job makes me feel all jealous, but more ambitious to maybe take a swing when I’m ready.

Jumbledness. Ready, go.

Being sick sucks.
Especially when you can't shake a cough... mmm...fluid in your lungs.
Medicine makes me extremely wacky, so I get by on suphedrine during the day and take the crazy stuff at night.... which makes my dreams ridiculously off the wall.

Having a tastefully erotic dream involving a coworker sucks.
You know the kind I'm talking about.
Where nothing happens but you wake up with that horribly 'ooh-la-la' feeling that makes you say, "Oh, that is SO inherently wrong... but, well, shit!"
That's why they're dreams, right?
Clearly there's a part of me that wants to get on with dating while the more controlling part still wants to hold off till I feel more confident in myself.
And to that part of me I say, "Shut up, ya' sick fuck and wait a little longer!"
Besides, he's too old for me. Really. I'm the baby at work.
Does someone have a nice cousin who's like 30 I could introduce him to? lol.

End awkwardness.

---

I was such a lazy ass today after work.
I ate very healthily at work with the full intention of going to the gym after dinner, and I sort of collapsed onto the couch with a headache and stayed there until Heroes was over.

At least I'll make up for it tomorrow night at dance.
I missed a class because I was sick, so I can make it up - by staying for the class after my normal one. That's right folks, 2 hours of getting my ass kicked.
I actually can't wait. :-)

---

The snow on Sunday was lovely - a Poconos weekend or three, or five are in the planning stages. I'm so psyched to ski this season that it's exciting just thinking about it. The fact that Tom has a place in mountains as well offers the opportunity for dueling weekends, and the chance to go up when I'd otherwise be forced to adhere to my parents and brother's schedules as well.

---

Jess' post on the Lifeboat Effect was profound in several ways, and highly amusing.
My posts don't boast nearly the same level of content, but I will add my two cents to the concept by saying this of lifeboats.

They're leaky, and smelly, and have issues of their own - but we go into it well aware of their flaws... and somehow find the ride exciting anyway.

Why? Because we're theater people. And have hopelessly romantic ideals about love.
We're Moulin Rouge hooked on coffee at 3 a.m. thinking about our futures.
And really not that hard to impress.
They just have to 'do it' for us, and not be an asshole.
The trouble is - oftentimes the nicer lifeboats are just sort of drifting out there obliviously, or in a ridiculously shy fashion that's hard to overcome.
Or being jumped all over by the other thrashing hopefuls, which makes the saner of the lot back off.

Heeeeeeere lifeboat lifeboat lifeboat lifeboat.... ;-)


Hooroo headache, finally! Hellloooo trash novel before bedtime.
Which I know several of you hate me for, but I'm doing it anyway, dammit...
Hah! Maybe they're why.... nevermind...